Monday, 27 May 2013

5 Year Anniversary

Well it would have been if things worked out better.

Next week I would have celebrated five years with my then-girlfriend. We were high school sweethearts and we were happy together. At least, we were until whatever it is caused her to change her mind. I'm fairly certain most of my readers are familiar with what happened to some extent. Anyone who isn't can catch up here.

And I had no intention of talking to her again. I was done trying to fix what was left.

Enough was enough

And then out of nowhere she sent me a message: "Are you still upset with me?".

Bloody right I'm still upset with you. I've been miserable these last few months, lonely, and bitter. You broke my heart, flirted with me, turned down any chance of trying to fix our relationship AND THEN you go and get yourself a new boyfriend. What did you expect me to say?

And for the next hour, I basically tore her a new one. It was liking writing an angry letter and being able to send it and watch the recipient receive it in real time. I won't lie, it felt good. A massive weight being lifted off my chest. How often do you get to rant at the very source of all your distress?

I guess the alternative would be to beat my computer to pieces.

But she never left. She could have stopped responding or reading my responses at anytime. But she just sat there are took it all. Apologizing every other moment. Admitting and acknowledging every fault and gripe that I had with her. And this went on and on until I ran out of things to say.

To be honest, I was a bit confused. This is not standard ex-girlfriend behaviour. She didn't stand up for herself once, she didn't try to justify her actions, nor did she try and shift the blame to me. And so I eventually asked, "What do you want from me? Forgiveness?".

To which she replied, "I don't want forgiveness, I just want you to feel better.".


She even offered to let me do it again in the future if it would help. She agreed that her actions were selfish, that she didn't want to hurt me anymore, and was willing to do nearly anything to help me recover. Sans getting back into a relationship with me because she was already in one.

Also, she has some guilt-tripping mental roadblock. She tried to explain it to me, I still don't get it, and think it's absolute rubbish but one step at a time. She loves me but isn't in love with me as she puts it.

I don't know about you guys, but I find it hard to stay angry at someone who acknowledges their wrongdoings, goes out of their way to fix things, and openly allows me to verbally beat so that I might have a better day.

I feel a bit bad for being so harsh with her now.

We're talking more frequently now. I'm still upset with her obviously but not to the same extent as before. I won't lie, I still miss her very much. you don't spend 4.5 years with someone and suddenly lose all attraction to them.

I guess we're still friends then. We'll see where it goes from here.


  1. I read the other post and I was like--- "Damn!!! Lets find you some new cursewords. Pirate style!"
    Then I read this and was like -"Goddammit! I hate when the villian.suddenly become a little less f a villian an make me go awwwww"
    Anywhooo it wud b more fun to read ur blog frm nw...esp tht u both r frnds nw. Muahahahhaha yes! I take pleasure in ur unnerving and sad situations.Coz I tried being frnds with my ex and nah! Not my cup f tea. But meh! Happy fr u.

  2. this sort of things take time to heal. i dont know it seems nice of your ex to come out and do all that she's doing. it allows you space in your heart for forgiveness. i guess you can't be angry at someone for long. not healthy and life is short as we know it.

  3. When I started reading this post I went "oh he's still stuck in this ):"
    But then, eh, didn't see that one coming. I guess it's a good thing she's admitting to her mistakes like this, she's a better person for it. Just keep it mind you're not a worse person for being harsh on her like that. That's your frustrations, she allowed you to dump it all on her, so all's good.
    Hope you manage to get over it soon, stay strong.

  4. what the...?

    if you're a close friend of mine I would say to tell her leave you alone and you stay away from here. you won't be able to get over her and to move on ...

    what you are doing right now is torture :(

  5. as I told you before, she seems like someone who tried to explain the situation to you, and break ups happen, Damien, it's in human nature to fall in love with different people especially at your very young age. I think you two could be friends after all the anger of being hurt evaporates from your system.

  6. Well don't often get to rip into someone like that, so there is a plus. Still not sure I'd ever stay friends though.

  7. This is so annoying Damien, to be honest her behaviour is just so bizarre. Five years is so long, even though I know you weren't dating for all of that, but even then, four and a half years is so long, that's what, like 70 percent of your adult life? Feelings just won't go away nowhere but what annoys me and I guarantee eats me up is this new boy. When that new guy is still there I just couldn't talk to her or be with her because so long as that new guy is there nothing would be resolved for me and I have a feeling it's the same with you. If dating her was possible again I'd endorse that but idk, honestly buddy I hope that one day she wakes up in this relationship she's in currently and realises that the 4.5 years she spent with you were the best and most loving years of her life, frustrating stuff indeed.

  8. Without knowing more than what you've shared here, I would say your relationship is somewhat complicated. She is growing one way, and you are growing in another. Go with your own growth, and get on with your life. You will always remember her. And she you. It could even be that in a few years the two of you may grow together again.

  9. Welp, confused is a good tag for this post, alright. I hope talking to her is the right move for you...

  10. Sucks, and it was not the best of breakups. You are entilled to miss her. But don,t hold on to something that can cause you more pain.

  11. No no, don't see where it goes from there. Let it happen but expect nothing. If you keep expecting some form of progress, relationship or not, it'll make it that much harder to let go. And she's doing you a huge favor, take advantage of it and use it to let go.

    This probably sounds harsh. I apologize for that.

  12. It's good that you got the chance to get some of that off your chest, and that she was willing to let you.

  13. I think it's good that you got your feelings out, and glad you might be able to be friends.

  14. Hmm, you may not like me for saying this, but it sounds like she's moved on and is happy as she is with this new guy. It's easy to be all sweet and nice etc. when you are in a better place. She loves you as a friend, not a lover. Well that's what she said, so really it's up to you. Do you want her just as a friend? If you are hoping for more, you could get hurt again.

    I'd move on, cut ties and try and find someone else too. I know that's tough but by holding on to what's over will just make things worse for you.

  15. Hello! We have no girlfrends in Caucasus...It is impossible...We are not allowed to have girlfrend...

  16. Thank you for your comment, I love stockings too :)

    It's good you got to let it all out and I think it's good she gave you a chance to do that. Don't expect anything, just see what happens! Maybe in the future you and her will find a way to get along well :)

  17. High school sweethearts rarely stay together. Pople grow up and apart and move on. If you truly think you're going to be friends, you're going to have to let go of the bitterness. You may not be ready for that yet.

  18. I think I would have done the saaaame thing!!

  19. Glad you were able to voice your feelings. Hope her response will bring you much needed comfort.

  20. Okay, so two things. On one hand, I'm glad you got that off your chest and she owned up to it. That's huge, and I can tell it made you feel so much better. On the other hand... why are you still talking to her? I see a sentence like, "I guess we're still friends then. We'll see where it goes from here." and it absolutely crushes my soul. She already sounds like she's getting your hopes up, which means you're just going to get crushed again. Lather rinse, repeat. Seriously, it sucks and will probably be very hard, but you've got to just let this girl go, if only for your own mental sanity.

    See Jerry Seinfeld up there? Do what he did. Leave while you're on top. She apologized, you feel great, now get out and don't look bad. You will NOT regret it.

  21. Hello! It is a big sin to have a girlfriend for us here...

  22. I think it's kind of amazing that she let you vent like that... And it's clear that she knew you (well enough) to know that you needed that release. It's hard to heal without a serious vent-session. Still, there's a fine line between her checking in on you and dredging up unnecessary shit from the past...