5 Year Anniversary

Well it would have been if things worked out better.

Next week I would have celebrated five years with my then-girlfriend. We were high school sweethearts and we were happy together. At least, we were until whatever it is caused her to change her mind. I'm fairly certain most of my readers are familiar with what happened to some extent. Anyone who isn't can catch up here.

And I had no intention of talking to her again. I was done trying to fix what was left.

Enough was enough

And then out of nowhere she sent me a message: "Are you still upset with me?".

Bloody right I'm still upset with you. I've been miserable these last few months, lonely, and bitter. You broke my heart, flirted with me, turned down any chance of trying to fix our relationship AND THEN you go and get yourself a new boyfriend. What did you expect me to say?

And for the next hour, I basically tore her a new one. It was liking writing an angry letter and being able to send it and watch the recipient receive it in real time. I won't lie, it felt good. A massive weight being lifted off my chest. How often do you get to rant at the very source of all your distress?

I guess the alternative would be to beat my computer to pieces.

But she never left. She could have stopped responding or reading my responses at anytime. But she just sat there are took it all. Apologizing every other moment. Admitting and acknowledging every fault and gripe that I had with her. And this went on and on until I ran out of things to say.

To be honest, I was a bit confused. This is not standard ex-girlfriend behaviour. She didn't stand up for herself once, she didn't try to justify her actions, nor did she try and shift the blame to me. And so I eventually asked, "What do you want from me? Forgiveness?".

To which she replied, "I don't want forgiveness, I just want you to feel better.".

What.

She even offered to let me do it again in the future if it would help. She agreed that her actions were selfish, that she didn't want to hurt me anymore, and was willing to do nearly anything to help me recover. Sans getting back into a relationship with me because she was already in one.

Also, she has some guilt-tripping mental roadblock. She tried to explain it to me, I still don't get it, and think it's absolute rubbish but one step at a time. She loves me but isn't in love with me as she puts it.

I don't know about you guys, but I find it hard to stay angry at someone who acknowledges their wrongdoings, goes out of their way to fix things, and openly allows me to verbally beat so that I might have a better day.

I feel a bit bad for being so harsh with her now.

We're talking more frequently now. I'm still upset with her obviously but not to the same extent as before. I won't lie, I still miss her very much. you don't spend 4.5 years with someone and suddenly lose all attraction to them.

I guess we're still friends then. We'll see where it goes from here.