Goodbye Facebook

I've had Facebook since High school and my usage of it hasn't varied much since then. It's been hard to keep in touch with certain people so it has that use, but the main purpose that I had for Facebook was that it served as an online scrapbook, a collection of stupid, silly, and bizarre images that I've found online plastered all over the place.

I watched my "Facebook Look Back Video" to confirm this, almost a decade's worth of nonsensical pictures and news posts.

Seriously, who else would share something like this?

But the other day as I was scrolling through to see what everyone else was up to I stumbled across a picture. Or rather, a series of pictures.

Of my ex, Theresa and her current boyfriend.

I should be over her, I shouldn't care what she's up to, or who's she's seeing. I should be happy for her, and they certainly looked so happy together. Meanwhile I'm in my room, in front of my computer still single, slightly bitter, and lonely almost a year and a half since our breakup. She on the other hand is about to celebrate her one year anniversary with this guy.

But it wasn't just the pictures that I saw, there were comments too. Comments made by our mutual "friends" who took her side after our breakup and encouraged her to find someone new so quickly. "You two are so cute together!" they coo and gush.

I need new friends.

I want to say that I wasn't bothered. That I shrugged my shoulders and went on to whatever it was I was doing. But I didn't. I just sat there in my chair, not upset or angry, instead I was just kind of numb. I stared and started thinking.

I began to question why I even still kept my Facebook account. It was primarily used to communicate with Theresa and our mutual circle of "friends". But we've drifted apart either due to being busy (e.g. Theresa), or because I've made an effort to shun you (e.g. everyone else).

The rest of my friends that I actually want to talk to have other means of contacting me should they find the need. Honestly, Facebook is a major distraction and I would probably be better off without it. The world can use a break from my antics, and I need a break from them.

So I disabled my Facebook account, for better or for worse.

My reasoning may sound a bit odd, or silly, but it was enough for me. A bit of a tipping point really. Will I ever go back? Maybe. Maybe if I get super buff I'll get vain as well, post a few pictures. Or if I win the lottery, or if I become the next Youtube sensation. What I'm trying to get at is that I'm going to need a pretty big reason to rejoin Facebook.

It was pretty funny actually right before I clicked "Disable Account". Facebook makes the effort of displaying pictures of your friends who are "Going to miss you!". And right at the end of the list was a photo of Theresa.

And I started to laugh. No she won't.

No she won't.

200 Posts

Wow. That's all I really have to say is wow. 200 posts. I honestly can't believe I've been blogging for this long, it feels a lot shorter than that. I should feel happy or proud of this accomplishment but I'm really not. I wish I could be happier, but all I have to do is look back on my first post.

Things have stagnated for me at best, or gone downhill at worst since then. Yes this is going to be another ranting post and it's a lot longer than usual. You've been warned.

Let me explain for anyone who hasn't followed me since day one. When I started this blog I wasn't exactly thrilled with where I was going. I had a year or so left until my degree finished, the job market wasn't looking great, and prospects of future schooling honestly not looking so appealing either. Now, almost two years later, I still feel the same way, except now I have my degree.

People claim the recession is over and I don't believe that at all. When jobs for people like me start popping up maybe I'll be less skeptical. I see lawyers working at Walmart, Honor students struggling to get sales positions, or even worse no jobs at all. Unless you're in the medical field good luck getting anything and even then, there are rumors around about budget cuts and the like.

I've applied to over a dozen jobs and internships since I've entered University. Half of those got interviews, all of them rejections. So I guess I'll keep making sandwiches until I get a job somewhere else.

So fine, job market not so good, why not go back to school and ride it out? Academia isn't looking so great either, at least where I am. There are confirmed budget cuts here and it doesn't look good for anyone. Well except for the President of the University and her little group of cronies. I bet she'll give herself another raise...

And this is sort of the reason why I lost interest in getting a job in academia or research. I'm watching professors get cut on a whim, last year a prof with tenure got kicked (or something similar) over a grade dispute with a student, research funds are dropping, and is more school and work worth all this stress at the end? To add insult to injury, there was one professor who was completely useless (aka ditched her research students so she could go on an early vacation) and did nothing. She won a teaching award recently because of she supported cuts to various departments. Why would she support this? She retired last year.

If I could do this to her without being expelled I'd go for it.

Ok, things not looking so great at University, but at least I can bum around home for a while until things look better. Nope. Nope nope nope. My father has for years been trying to get me out of the house. Even before I turned 18 the notion of me "moving out" has never been far from his mind. And ever since I turned 20, I noticed his campaign has been slowly getting more aggressive. I turn 23 this year and I can only imagine how bad it'll get if I'm still around when I'm older.

And it's over stupid things like me deciding to take a nap during the middle of the day or having a messy room during exam time. Any justification I try to use results in "Well if you don't like it, move out". He's dead serious and I'm certain that my Mother is the only person keeping him from physically throwing me out. My father knows very well that I don't have the means to support myself yet but that hasn't stopped him from constantly bringing up the subject. Note that since my brother turned 18 he's been turning his attention to Brian as well. My sister has been spared for whatever reason, so lucky her.

But at least I have support elsewhere right? Mental or moral support? Unfortunately, I've lost contact with a lot of close friends due to everyone being busy but at least I have a girlfriend I could talk to. Well I did, until my now ex-girlfriend decided to dump me earlier this year. We decided to stay friends, except everything she says and does makes it look like she's still interested in having a relationship. I said I moved on and I did, until she started playing with the fragments of my heart.

I don't care if she's unintentionally doing it, it's still tearing me apart and driving me insane. She's not normally a flirty person, she doesn't flirt with anyone else EXCEPT for me. When we meet up in person for coffee or something, she performs tons of physical gestures that suggest she has the intention of intimacy. And I think my female readers can back me up on this. When seated, would you touch/grab the inner thigh of a person you weren't interested in? How about their forearm? What about grabbing and holding their arm while walking? What about making questionable innuendos? A combination of these and much, much more? Either I'm a terrible psychologist and I read too much into small details OR something is not quite right here.

Of course when confronted she tells me she's still not interested and apologizes. And then she wonders why I keep asking "Do you want to get back together?". You, are becoming a doctor Theresa. You, are NOT some idiotic high school girl with the mentality of a handicapped dog. She apparently misses me and "us" BUT not enough to get back together.

I was willing to work things out. She wasn't. And it still bothers me a lot. I made a ton of sacrifices and compromises to make things work. I wasn't perfect, but I was more than happy to change things or myself to maintain the relationship. I know I discussed why we broke up in an earlier post (she wanted more time for school) but subsequent conversations with her resulted in contradictory and/or questionable reasons. The only thing that has remained consistent is she wanted to be single.

Great.

Now let's be realistic for a moment. Ideally, the best thing to do would be go out and get another girlfriend. I've been single for months, time to put myself back on the market. Except, I don't really have all that much to offer. Don't give me that "Oh you're a nice guy!" nonsense (also, I'm not). I'm a student, who is in debt, with only a part-time fast food job, with no car, who lives with his parents. These credentials basically mean that online, speed, and blind dating are out of the question.

I have a few friends who claims they'll be on the lookout for any potential girlfriends for me but I'm not holding my breath. There's a small irony here in that when I was in a relationship, nearly all my friends were single. Now that I'm single, nearly all of them have significant others.

I would be more than happy to return to a relationship with Theresa. Not out of desperation or loneliness, but because she was a fairly good girlfriend. And I was happy with her. Yeah she has her problems but so do I. I'm not perfect, and I'm not going to judge her for her faults. Except for being unwilling to change yourself for me. I think I'm allowed to judge her for that considering how much I changed myself for her.

Ok, not that dramatic, but still.

So where does that leave me? Bitter, disgruntled, and very, very unhappy. I've been pretty much miserable for the entirety of 2013 so far. If any of the above problems happened one at a time, I'm sure I could handle it, no problem. But when things start stacking up it becomes a tad overwhelming. I'm feeling a lot of pressure here and I'm not liking it. I'm running on borrowed time and it's not getting extended any time soon.

This blog post is mostly to get this all of my chest and vent a little. I think that's my favorite part about having a blog is that I can rant like this to calm myself down. In the end though, it's much better to actually find a solution. Complaining only gets you so far and it's not very productive.

And so now the question is, what your solution Damian? Do you have one? What are you going to do about all of this? And to that I respond:

Why do you think I'm working on so many projects?

There's a reason why I'm constantly brainstorming, working during my spare time, and pushing myself. Each project is a potential solution and/or will buy me more time. Wish me luck, I have a lot of work ahead of me still.

Happy Singles Awareness Day

It's going to my first Valentine's day as a single for the first time in well, 4 years I guess. It's not like I did much on Valentine's day to begin with but the holiday only serves to rub it in if you don't have a significant other.

I haven't made an effort to go about telling people that we're no longer together. Most people think we're still dating. Of course, we also made sure to keep things as quiet as possible. Neither of us are attention-seekers, making passive aggressive status updates on Facebook and calling people on the phone in tears.

Neither of us are a big fan of drama.

The thing is, my relationship with Theresa hasn't really changed. We ended on very friendly terms. But besides the fact that we no longer have a verbal contract stating that we are in a serious monogamous relationship we still act almost exactly the same to one another. Well, minus the couple talk. 

I see her just as often and we talk just as often. It almost feels like we're still dating.

And I'm not sure how to interpret this or if there is anything to interpret. We broke up because she felt she needed more time for herself and yet we're still spending nearly the same amount of time together. And yet here we are, meeting up when she has spare time and talking online in the evenings.

Is she just being nice and keeping me company because she's worried? Or is there a chance we could still get back together?

Or am I overthinking things?

I know I said I've moved on but I'll be honest, if she wanted to get back into a relationship with me, I'd happily go back. Does this make me desperate or mean I haven't actually moved on? I don't really know. I expect someone like Fang to let me know. He can be kind of blunt with his comments but I appreciate it.

That being said if I found a perfectly nice girl and we connected I could start a relationship with her with no negative feelings or baggage. The chances of me finding such an individual anytime soon however are slim to none. I still feel that things between Theresa and I could still work. 

I just don't know how I could bring the subject up without sounding clingy or creepy. Maybe I shouldn't even be thinking about this at all. Maybe the fact that I still think like this at all means I deluded myself into thinking I've moved on.

That be great, being in a state of denial.

I don't enjoy talking about my failed love life but its been at the back of my mind, only to be brought forth with Valentine's day. I don't enjoy getting comments about this topic because there are other bloggers who could use the attention and sympathy better than I could. And I don't enjoy talking or overthinking like this. I know in a few weeks I'll reread this post and say to myself, "What were you thinking? Why would you post that?".

Will Theresa read this? I don't know and the offchance that she may read this isn't going to change what I post. I won't deny that I still have feelings for her but I'm not holding my breath hoping that she'll change her mind.

Happy Valentines day to everyone else who's taken.

Single Asian Male.

Ok, it's been long enough. I've held out for as long as I could but I think it's time I openly talk about this in the only place I can. There's a reason why I've been pushing myself to be so busy, taking on probably more projects than I can handle, working myself to the point where I'm passing out nearly every night. They were meant as distractions.

Theresa unofficially broke up with me a month ago, and as of this week, now it's permanent.

Somehow, that doesn't make it any less painful.

A younger version of me may have spiraled into depression, self-pity, blah blah but I decided to try and become productive instead. Anything to take my mind away from things. I spent as much time with friends or work as possible, whenever I had a spare moment. I wanted to be too tired to be alone with my thoughts.

I'll be honest with you, it doesn't really help, but at least I can say I worked hard. Apparently love causes chemical reactions in the brain that are similar to that of cocaine. So I've been going through drug withdrawal for a month now. It's not pleasant.

I haven't been this lonely in ages, I miss having a significant other. Someone to talk to at the end of the day, all that mushy stuff. I need my fix, and I'm not getting it.

Starcraft is not an appropriate substitute.

As for why, it's because she wanted to concentrate on school. Being a med student eats up a lot of your time and she felt it wasn't fair to me because she wasn't spending enough time with me. So she decided to break up to make it easier on both of us.

I was never a priority. School and work always came first. Which is understandable. But she eventually stopped making time for me because things got busy. And she did make an honest effort to see and spend time with me but would feel guilty when she couldn't balance everything.

She felt it wasn't fair to her or me. But she wasn't willing to change her study habits to devote more time to our relationship. Again, understandable but that doesn't make me feel better.

Ow.

Some of you may say, "It's just a girlfriend. There are other people out there. You only dated for what? 4.5 years? That's nothing." Keep in mind I'm only 22. I've spent a quarter of my life with this woman and it's done now. I'm not wallowing around in misery or looking for sympathy, but I won't deny that I'm in pain. I'm only human and while I can try to ignore my emotions, that doesn't make them go away.

I'm going to salvage what I can from this. I've learned to be a (hopefully) better boyfriend. We're still on friendly terms which is nice I guess? I'm trying to channel as much of this negative energy into productive work. I came out of this as best I could. As well as anyone could I think.

At least when I started this blog I had a companion, and now she's gone. Where do I go from here? I really don't know. I've been out of the dating game for so long. My social sphere has shrunk, I don't have time to meet new people.

As for how I'm feeling? Not that great. I'll recover, I just need more time. I really hate depressing posts like this but sometimes, a lonely guy needs to vent.

Update on Theresa

For those unaware, my girlfriend Theresa was recently admitted to the hospital for gallstones. Yeah, she's young, like early twenties but I guess she was pre-dispositioned for this stuff? Genetic or something? That's my best explanation because this woman eats a lot healthier than me.

I mean, I don't eat a lot, but when I do it tends to be fatty, high-cholesterol garbage. I should probably eat more salads, and get more fiber. Cut down on my meat. I've seen what Theresa eats for lunch, it's homemade stuff, rice and vegetables. Generic Chinese food.

Opposite of this.

Regardless, a gallstone blocked something. And because she has bad genes, they decided to remove the gallbladder entirely to prevent another incident from happening in the future. Also, I might be crazy, but because Theresa's a med student, I think that's why they started operating on her so quickly.

As in, she was admitted on Sunday, and they did the operations on Tuesday and Wednesday of the same week. Keep in mind that when she was admitted, she was told that her surgery was considered elective (aka, not important) and she might have to wait until next year for an opening, maybe sometime in the summer at the earliest.

I know Canada is renown for its universal healthcare. What it's not known for is it's ridiculously long waiting times.

A doctor will come see me soon, I know it.

So, the first surgery on Tuesday was to remove the gallstone blockage that was initially causing her pain. No problem, simple incision, remove stone, no problem.

NOPE. Theresa is a super, special snowflake who somehow managed to have a stone that was larger than predicted so when the surgeons tried to pull it out, it tore something, and she bled where she wasn't supposed to.

Yay, complications.

Oops.

Ok fine, no big deal. They go onto to remove her gallbladder the next day. And it goes perfectly fine with no problems.

Ha, I'm just kidding. Something with the anesthetics messed up. I don't know the details, the only that something went wrong, another complication, so they had to hold her in the hospital for another day to monitor her.

You're a special one Theresa, I'm not sure how you do it.

Just for you.

She's fine now though. Released from the hospital on Thursday she now she studying like crazy. Yep, typical med student mentality. People who have gall bladder removals are supposed to have 3 weeks off to recover, I wouldn't be surprised if she dragged herself back to class on Monday.

Best of luck to her, I'm just glad she's alright.

Quite the beginning to the New Year

I'm the kind of person who would prefers the bad news before the good news. Get it over with and get on with things. So that's why I'm seriously hoping that everything that has happened in the few week of the new year is reflective of this.

It's been kind of a disaster, and relates to the problems mentioned here.

So, where to begin?

Bluh.

So Theresa got in a fight over something stupid during the Christmas break. Petty, couple stuff, you know what I mean. Fine, so we're both frustrated, fuming at the other person and ignoring one another. Plenty of time to spend with each other if only we both weren't pouting and not talking.

I'm doing fine, I have my projects to work on. I catch on some much needed sleep and spend time with other friends. I don't feel bad or guilty about the fight because I "know" I was in the right. I feel a bit lonely but oh well.

And then I find out that somehow within the week we didn't speak with one another, Theresa ended up in the emergency room several times.

 

So now I feel like a jerk.

Yeah, she's been complaining of stomach pain a lot within the last few months and turns out she has a gall stone that's nearly 2cm large. It's blocking something I don't know the details? Do I look like a doctor to you? So she's going to be going for surgery sometime in the next few months (hopefully) or next year (hopefully not) to get her gall bladder removed.

Yeah, something about knowing the person you recently fought with has gone to the hospital just makes you feel bad. Very, bitter taste in the mouth if you know what I mean. I'll make it up to her somehow.

Here's a corgi driving a car.

But it doesn't end there my friends no. I'm also a bit of an idiot. I drive down to go work my shift at my fast food job. And normal day, nothing out of the ordinary. And then as I close up shop and head back to my car to begin the cold drive home I notice something odd.

Why is the driver's side door unlocked?

And why is the glove compartment open with stuff littered all over the place?

Insert colorful expletives here

I don't know if I completely failed to lock the door, maybe I didn't fully lock the car? Either way, someone got in, stole a bunch of stuff, and got out. They also were not smart people, stealing a dash cam, sunglasses, charging cord for the GPS (but not the GPS itself), a remote control, and volunteer IDs for the Humane society. None of the money in the car was taken and the insurance was untouched.

We've filed a police report, security for the area where I parked unfortunately did not have cameras within range of my car, vandals made off with about $400 worth of things but at least they didn't break a window doing it.

So uh, Happy new week I guess. I hope things can only go uphill from here. I guess I live up to my blog name, I have been a massive derp this week.

Happy Birthday Theresa!

It's time for another post about Theresa because it is her birthday tomorrow! Happy birthday to you Darling. I know you get easily embarrassed whenever I have a post dedicated to you on my blog but you've been too busy with Med school to even read my blog so it's all good.

Yay!

I've been finding it more difficult to get her gifts as of late. Simply because I'm running out of creative ideas. I mean, I could go with the generic card, flowers, and a baked good but that's boring. Plus, she hates flowers except for lilacs. And lilacs have to be specially ordered in due to their short lifespan. I would know, I've gotten them before.

Either that or I've been duped and paid extra for nothing.

Why can't Theresa like something more generic like roses?

What I've resorted to then is custom unique gifts. I'm very fond of finding odd things online because I spend way too much time on the Internet. So when a writer on Reddit had a Kickstarter for his horror novel (Theresa loves horror novels even though it prevents her from sleeping) I immediately funded it. Penpal was successfully funded and if you want you probably could find the original story on Reddit if you don't want to buy a copy.

Theresa is also fond of My Little Pony. Now I'm not sure if anyone is aware but the toys released by Hasbro are kind of garbage. I guess it makes sense, these are for kids to throw around and get hidden under furniture and what not. Not to be put on display. So when I found someone who was making high quality resin models I jumped on as soon as possible. It was pricey, I'm not going to lie, but I think it was worth it just because it was unique.

And of course Theresa likes the nerdy one.

The last material gift I got her was a laptop cooler. Hers has been heating up nonstop and we haven't been able to play anything together lately. Well, I like to blame her laptop because blaming Med school is kind of irrational.

I'm hoping to take her somewhere nice for dinner on Saturday, but knowing her, she'll want to go grab tacos or McDonalds. Sweetheart, you're not 8 anymore, you're an adult and it's not proper to have Happy Meals on your birthday as an adult.

Oh wait, I've gotten her Happy Meals before.

. . . .

Screw it, I'll get her whatever she wants. It's her birthday, she calls the shots.

The Last Week before Classes

It's hard to believe 4 months of freedom have gone by so quickly. But with just one more week before classes resume I can't say I feel excited.

Theresa already starts on Monday. She has orientation sessions to go to now that she's in Med school. So it's not like I can spend this week with her. It was unfortunate that she spent so much of her summer working but hey, medical school debts aren't going to pay themselves.

Basically.

So I have a week left to myself. And I have a fair idea of what I want to accomplish with the last of my time. I have a project or two I need to finish. Such as the hollow book. Yeah, this one has been on the backburner for a long time. It's almost done but I'm picky and trying to get some of part to look a bit nicer.

There is also a little kit that I got in Hong Kong that I found that I want to get around to doing as well. I'm hoping to get started on it and maybe post my progress on that too. Can't exactly outright say what it is though. It's a little something for Theresa.

What's inside? Only I know!

Speaking of Theresa I wanted to bake her something this week as well. She's fond of red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese. So I'm going to try my hand at those hopefully on Tuesday. Pictures of that potential disaster will be posted.

And I also wanted to take her out for dinner as well. Thing is, I'm not sure whether to take her to a restaurant we've been to before. OR I could risk taking her to some really high-end French restaurant. I never really did do something to congratulate her getting into med school. Though, she kind of dislikes high-end dining because she thinks it's overpriced.

She might kill me but it be worth it.

Lastly, I still have a lot of games to finish. Unfortunately most of them are not going to be beaten in a week. Therefore, a review of Dear Esther, the acclaimed Half Life 2 mod, will be up sometime in the near future.

I've also been reading The Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin. They're great books and I'm contemplating giving them a review. However, they're extremely popular and I'm guessing many people have already read and/or watched the series. And I don't generally enjoy talking about things that people already know about, feels kind of redundent.

I am at a part where lots of people are dropping like flies though.

Last thing to note, due to schedule changes I no longer have a 5 day weekend but a 4 day one. It's still pretty good, I can't complain.

Leaves me plenty of time to blog during the term.

Self-Censorship (Part 2)

Part 1 is over there. It may make this post less confusing if you haven't read it yet.

Anyways, there is a reason why I gave the story of me backing up into someone's car. We can acknowledge that it's a bad situation but in the end, everything is good. No one is hurt, my parents aren't sticking my head on a pole, and my Dad even managed to repair the rear bumper to the point where it's barely noticeable.

And look how worried and stressed Theresa got. Imagine how she'd react to something really bad.

Which leads us to the story how I was accused of plagiarism. And why I waited so long to make a post about it.

Suspicious...

This event took place back in April, slightly after all my papers were due. Anyone else remember what fun I had during that month? The sleepless nights, the constant work, the threat of final exams looming after the papers were handed in.

Anyways, one of those papers apparently resembled the paper of another student. We both helped each other a great deal because there was one section where I had great difficulty in, but she found easy and vice versa. We helped one another out, she finished before I did and so I helped out a bit more by editing her paper.

But our papers resembled each other too much. And thus our prof had an appointment with us to discuss this strange occurance. This happened in around mid-May.

And before I continue, I want to mention, no, I did not plagiarize.

Nope.

Plagiarism is not to be taken lightly. Anything from getting zero on the assignment, to failing to course, to being suspending from the University or even being expelled from the University is possible. None of these options were acceptable to me because I was convinced I was innocent.

And I made sure to share these thoughts with my professor and I thought I did a fairly good job of it.

And then a few weeks later, I get an email from the Associate Dean. He wanted to have an appointment with me as well.

Guess I didn't do a good enough job convincing my Prof.

Finally, my appointment arrives, early June. I had made a mental checklist of everything I had said, and tried to make it more compelling. The Dean would get the final say in whether I was found guilty or not and I needed to prove my innocence.

However, during the meeting, it felt as if the Dean thought I was already guilty of plagiarism. You guys know what I'm talking about, that feeling you get when you're trying to argue with someone but you can tell that their mind is already set. The Dean also showed me a letter that my prof. had sent. Apparently she felt I deserved a zero on the essay.

Yeah, I guess I did a really crappy job of convincing her of my innocence. And the way things were looking, I failed to convince the Dean as well.

Pretty accurate as to how I felt.

As I left his office, I was told that I would be informed of his decision in another few weeks. And if I was found guilty, my last hope would be to file for an appeal. This was not looking good for me. And so I did the last thing I thought I could possibly do.

I wrote.

Well, more accurately, I typed up an email with all my old arguments, additional arguments, rebuttals to his arguments and sent it to him a few days after the appointment. We're talking over 700 words in less than an hour in one sitting. It's another one of the few talents that I possess, being able to write immense and articulate amounts in a short period of time.

Years of training (I thank my English and History teachers) have taught me how to write a lot with little time and prompt. To be honest, that's how most of blog posts get done. An idea pops into my head and boom, I have it all mentally written. All that needs to be done is to type it.

Within less than 24 hours, the dean replies to my email. I had been acquitted of all charges. This happened last week.

WHOO.

And now you can see why I didn't share this Theresa back in April or discuss it on my blog. 2 months of panicking and anxiety attacks. She would have been worrying during her exams, during her Pharmacy rotation, during her trip to China and everything in-between. I'm not saying I didn't worry but I hide my concerns well enough that no one caught on. Calm while under fire.

Some of you like Fang wondered why I'm sharing this now. It's simple, the issue was resolved, everything is good now, Theresa has no reason to panic and if she does, it's going to be greatly reduced.

And on that note, that means any major problem I encounter is not going to be shared until I've personally resolved it or it kills me. This can range medical to academic to personal problems. I simply can't afford to have Theresa going through any more anxiety attacks caused by me. I've caused enough over the time we've dated.

Oh and on that note, Darling, remember how you were concerned about me getting ticketed for parking in that spot? I did get a parking ticket, but I successfully talked my way out of it. Everything is good now. :)

(And yes this post is late. My internet died and I had to resort to stealing my neighbor's...)

Self-Censorship (Part 1)

I talked about my recent writer's block a few posts ago. Not having the motivation to talk about anything. And while that was true there is another reason why I've been having some difficulty writing posts.

I've been censoring myself, limiting which parts of my life to say. Normally that's not an issue, I don't care about being judged by people, that's not the reason why I refrain from sharing certain details.

It's because Theresa reads my blog, and there are certain things I'd rather not have her know about.

Mmmmph!

No, I'm not having an affair or secretly a serial murderer. The kind of stories I've been holding back on are bad things that happen to me that will cause her to worry. See, Theresa and I are different in the ways we deal with problems.

When "things" hit the fan, Theresa starts to panic, becomes inconsolable, and if it's really bad, she starts crying. It doesn't matter if there's nothing she can do about it, or if everything is fixed and better, just thinking about that problem sends her into an anxiety attack. Even thinking about hypothetical problems can just as easily send her into one of these frenzies. And these worry sessions can go on for days.

And then you have me. Despite all my physical fragility, I am mentally very sound. Calm, collected and able to see clearly despite the world crumbling around me. It's one of the few talents I'm proud of. Some people might call me cold, I call it being efficient. No point worrying over something I have no control over. And in the rare situation where something does shake me up, I only need 24 hours at most to fully recover.

He who panics is dead.

An example of this is an event that happened the other day. We were going on a date and I went to her place to pick her up. Excited to finally be able to travel faster and further now that I could drive we went on our way.

And I backed into the car of her neighbor.

Not my finest moment.

Not as bad as this though.

Fortunately, no one was hurt, everyone was civil, and damages were mild. Within an hour I was over the incident and it was like it never happened. I felt fine to drive again, I realized it was a silly mistake and that accidents happen. Everything was ok now and my parents hadn't even banned me from driving.

Theresa on the other hand is still unable to get in a car with me 1 week later.

She has a mini-anxiety attack everytime I mention a car, and blames her "over-imaginative" thoughts.

So I've refrained from sharing stories that would cause her to worry about me. Because once she starts worrying, she can't and won't stop. As in, it will ruin everything for her because she feels terrible when she enters her state of worrying.

Stories like when I was almost found guilty of plagiarism on a paper 2 months ago. If I told Theresa this at the beginning, she would have worried non-stop until the issue was resolved.

But, I'll share that story on Tuesday.

Welcome Back Dear

After 4 long weeks of being stuck in some foreign country, Theresa is back. Safe and sound in Canada.

Where the food is less questionable (and in some cases, actually edible), the people are more tolerable, and if she gets sick or injured she doesn't have to bribe the doctors to insure that she's going not going to die.

I'm not kidding about the last part.

Oh China...

Anyways I'm looking forward to our dates before I head to China myself. My main objective is to buy her things. See, I gave her a decent amount of Yaun before she left. I told her to spend it on herself and buy something nice.

I specifically tell her NOT to buy me anything. I repeat, DO NOT BUY ME ANYTHING.

So, what does she do with the money? Well, she donates a good chunk of it to her tour bus driver who got into an accident that wasn't his fault. However, the tour company couldn't care less and were still going to charge him for repairs. Theresa decided to help him out with the costs, and that's fine with me.

Then she spends the rest of the money on a gift.

For me.

So, other than trying to get back at her for failing to follow instructions, I'm trying to make our dates cater to whatever problems she encountered while overseas. We tried to communicate as best we could via emails. And from those emails I've narrowed down the most common complaints she had while she was there was:

1. Why is this internet so terrible?
2. I miss Western food.
3. Am I going to die if I eat this? It tastes so good but it might kill me if I keep eating.
4. I really hate all this "fancy" Chinese food we're eating.

Yeah... I wouldn't eat that either...

So my other goal is to take her out to eat. Especially now that I'm more confident in my driving skills we can go to a greater number of restaurants and later in the day. In the past, a huge problem we had was being unable to go out for dinner due to the amount of time it took for Theresa to bus home.

Well, we could get dinner near her place. BUT most of the restaurants near her side of the city are terrible. We would know, we've been to a lot of them. But this isn't a problem now! Now we can go to restaurants on MY side of the city. And she can get a ride home.

Unless something like this happens.

In the meantime, I'm also trying to bake/cook something for her too. So hopefully I can get that done in time as well.

Happy Birthday to me.

It's my birthday tomorrow and I turn 22. I'm not sure if there's an significant milestone that I reach upon turning this age. If you know of any, do tell me in the comments below.

But in the meantime, I guess we should be celebrating or something?

No really, I think as I grew older I began to shy away from birthdays and all the attention that comes from it. I refuse to tell people I know in real life the actual date, and for those who do know, I am completely useless in what I want for gifts. My default responses are "Nothing" or "Get something for Theresa".

I prefer to give gifts. Receiving just feels odd. Like it's some kind of weird obligation. And this year may be my best year of avoiding people yet.

See, another thing about me is that I'm extremely difficult to buy for, mostly because I'm so unhelpful. Unless you're talk to me on a near daily basis you're not going to know what to get me or where to get it. So that's why most people will head over and ask Theresa what to get me.

But Theresa is far away in China right now. With terrible internet I might add. Sometimes I go days without hearing from her so good luck to anyone else trying to communicate with her. Oh, and with Theresa in China she can't get me anything. Really no point seeing as I'll be going in a few weeks myself.

Hahaha! I'm so clever!

Well, happy birthday to me. I'm cutting this post short because of that. I'll see you guys on Friday.

Happy 4th Anniversary

I can't believe it's been 4 years already. Well, Monday marks the 4 year anniversary between Theresa and I. Yes I know, 4 years isn't that long compared to some of you who are already married but for someone who's about to turn 22, 4 years is a long time. That's almost 20% of my life being with someone.

And I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

This is where you go "d'aww" or puke.

If you haven't read the story of how we hooked up, you can read about it here. I'd like to dedicate this post to her. And I know she is going to get embarrassed when she finally reads this. I highly doubt she's reading my blog while on her vacation to China because China has really terrible internet.

This is probably the mushiest post I've ever typed up so if you hate that kind of stuff, I'd advise you to stop right now and leave a comment about bacon or something. It's fine, I understand.

So where do I start about her?

Yes, where to being?

Theresa and I went to an academic high school. The so called "best" students from each Junior High were pulled and placed there. But despite being one of the best of the best in our graduating class she mostly kept to herself, never boasting her accomplishments and didn't draw attention. That was the kind of girl she was. Humble, demure, and reserved. She acted in every way a classy lady.

And then you had me, on the opposite spectrum.

I ranked somewhere in average rank in terms of grades and my personality was completely different. If my somewhat taller physique didn't make me more already noticeable, some off-hand comment or remark would do the job just as well. Most people either found me to be good company or absolutely irritating. I saw things in a different light and that was reflected in my mannerisms. I'd been called many things before, but "boyfriend material" was not usually one of them.

And so imagine the surprise of our classmates (and myself) when Theresa agreed to date me.

Probably something like this.

University life has not exactly been the easiest thing for me. And at any given time Theresa could have left me for a boyfriend with a brighter future. Someone drowning in scholarships, with a 4.0 GPA or stable career path.

But she didn't.

Despite any problems we may have had, regardless of my shortcomings and failures, and even against the wishes of her parents she continued to date and love me unconditionally. She isn't secretly crazy with bodies hidden in a basement, she doesn't have unpredictable mood swings, nor is she using me for her own personal or financial goals. The only thing she asks of me is my company which I am more than happy to give.

Pretty much my reaction whenever I see her online.

Seriously, what more could I ask for in a significant other? I'm actually having trouble typing this post up not because I'm running out of things to say, but because everytime I think of something to say I stop typing and end up lost in thought, just thinking about her. All while having this stupid grin on my face.

And then I snap out of it and I try to compose my thoughts in a coherent and elegant manner. You know, without sounding like some obsessed fanboy. I'm trying so hard to describe this wonderful person in my life and I really don't think I'm doing her justice.

So before I start rambling like an idiot, I'm just going to wrap up quickly here. Theresa has been an irreplaceable part of my life and means the world to me. I know I'd be a completely different person had she not said yes 4 years ago and for that, I am extremely grateful.

Thank you for 4 wonderful years Dear, I love you.