200 Posts

Wow. That's all I really have to say is wow. 200 posts. I honestly can't believe I've been blogging for this long, it feels a lot shorter than that. I should feel happy or proud of this accomplishment but I'm really not. I wish I could be happier, but all I have to do is look back on my first post.

Things have stagnated for me at best, or gone downhill at worst since then. Yes this is going to be another ranting post and it's a lot longer than usual. You've been warned.

Let me explain for anyone who hasn't followed me since day one. When I started this blog I wasn't exactly thrilled with where I was going. I had a year or so left until my degree finished, the job market wasn't looking great, and prospects of future schooling honestly not looking so appealing either. Now, almost two years later, I still feel the same way, except now I have my degree.

People claim the recession is over and I don't believe that at all. When jobs for people like me start popping up maybe I'll be less skeptical. I see lawyers working at Walmart, Honor students struggling to get sales positions, or even worse no jobs at all. Unless you're in the medical field good luck getting anything and even then, there are rumors around about budget cuts and the like.

I've applied to over a dozen jobs and internships since I've entered University. Half of those got interviews, all of them rejections. So I guess I'll keep making sandwiches until I get a job somewhere else.

So fine, job market not so good, why not go back to school and ride it out? Academia isn't looking so great either, at least where I am. There are confirmed budget cuts here and it doesn't look good for anyone. Well except for the President of the University and her little group of cronies. I bet she'll give herself another raise...

And this is sort of the reason why I lost interest in getting a job in academia or research. I'm watching professors get cut on a whim, last year a prof with tenure got kicked (or something similar) over a grade dispute with a student, research funds are dropping, and is more school and work worth all this stress at the end? To add insult to injury, there was one professor who was completely useless (aka ditched her research students so she could go on an early vacation) and did nothing. She won a teaching award recently because of she supported cuts to various departments. Why would she support this? She retired last year.

If I could do this to her without being expelled I'd go for it.

Ok, things not looking so great at University, but at least I can bum around home for a while until things look better. Nope. Nope nope nope. My father has for years been trying to get me out of the house. Even before I turned 18 the notion of me "moving out" has never been far from his mind. And ever since I turned 20, I noticed his campaign has been slowly getting more aggressive. I turn 23 this year and I can only imagine how bad it'll get if I'm still around when I'm older.

And it's over stupid things like me deciding to take a nap during the middle of the day or having a messy room during exam time. Any justification I try to use results in "Well if you don't like it, move out". He's dead serious and I'm certain that my Mother is the only person keeping him from physically throwing me out. My father knows very well that I don't have the means to support myself yet but that hasn't stopped him from constantly bringing up the subject. Note that since my brother turned 18 he's been turning his attention to Brian as well. My sister has been spared for whatever reason, so lucky her.

But at least I have support elsewhere right? Mental or moral support? Unfortunately, I've lost contact with a lot of close friends due to everyone being busy but at least I have a girlfriend I could talk to. Well I did, until my now ex-girlfriend decided to dump me earlier this year. We decided to stay friends, except everything she says and does makes it look like she's still interested in having a relationship. I said I moved on and I did, until she started playing with the fragments of my heart.

I don't care if she's unintentionally doing it, it's still tearing me apart and driving me insane. She's not normally a flirty person, she doesn't flirt with anyone else EXCEPT for me. When we meet up in person for coffee or something, she performs tons of physical gestures that suggest she has the intention of intimacy. And I think my female readers can back me up on this. When seated, would you touch/grab the inner thigh of a person you weren't interested in? How about their forearm? What about grabbing and holding their arm while walking? What about making questionable innuendos? A combination of these and much, much more? Either I'm a terrible psychologist and I read too much into small details OR something is not quite right here.

Of course when confronted she tells me she's still not interested and apologizes. And then she wonders why I keep asking "Do you want to get back together?". You, are becoming a doctor Theresa. You, are NOT some idiotic high school girl with the mentality of a handicapped dog. She apparently misses me and "us" BUT not enough to get back together.

I was willing to work things out. She wasn't. And it still bothers me a lot. I made a ton of sacrifices and compromises to make things work. I wasn't perfect, but I was more than happy to change things or myself to maintain the relationship. I know I discussed why we broke up in an earlier post (she wanted more time for school) but subsequent conversations with her resulted in contradictory and/or questionable reasons. The only thing that has remained consistent is she wanted to be single.

Great.

Now let's be realistic for a moment. Ideally, the best thing to do would be go out and get another girlfriend. I've been single for months, time to put myself back on the market. Except, I don't really have all that much to offer. Don't give me that "Oh you're a nice guy!" nonsense (also, I'm not). I'm a student, who is in debt, with only a part-time fast food job, with no car, who lives with his parents. These credentials basically mean that online, speed, and blind dating are out of the question.

I have a few friends who claims they'll be on the lookout for any potential girlfriends for me but I'm not holding my breath. There's a small irony here in that when I was in a relationship, nearly all my friends were single. Now that I'm single, nearly all of them have significant others.

I would be more than happy to return to a relationship with Theresa. Not out of desperation or loneliness, but because she was a fairly good girlfriend. And I was happy with her. Yeah she has her problems but so do I. I'm not perfect, and I'm not going to judge her for her faults. Except for being unwilling to change yourself for me. I think I'm allowed to judge her for that considering how much I changed myself for her.

Ok, not that dramatic, but still.

So where does that leave me? Bitter, disgruntled, and very, very unhappy. I've been pretty much miserable for the entirety of 2013 so far. If any of the above problems happened one at a time, I'm sure I could handle it, no problem. But when things start stacking up it becomes a tad overwhelming. I'm feeling a lot of pressure here and I'm not liking it. I'm running on borrowed time and it's not getting extended any time soon.

This blog post is mostly to get this all of my chest and vent a little. I think that's my favorite part about having a blog is that I can rant like this to calm myself down. In the end though, it's much better to actually find a solution. Complaining only gets you so far and it's not very productive.

And so now the question is, what your solution Damian? Do you have one? What are you going to do about all of this? And to that I respond:

Why do you think I'm working on so many projects?

There's a reason why I'm constantly brainstorming, working during my spare time, and pushing myself. Each project is a potential solution and/or will buy me more time. Wish me luck, I have a lot of work ahead of me still.

Round 2 of Midterms

I really can't be complaining, I only have one midterm this week and one more next week before finals start. I have a way better deal than my sister who has 3 this week and all my friends in medicine who are being bombarded with labs and tests.

I really have no motivation left to study though.

I mean I'll still do it but the energy and the drive that I used to have it just gone. I get distracted way too easily, I don't feel like I care anymore. I just want this to be done with so I can get back to doing something else.

But there really isn't anything else for me besides studying. I don't have a job lined up like some other people and in this economy, it's unlikely I can find one without going for more school. And if I want to continue studying, I need to keep my grades up.

It's kind of sad, studying is all I've known and I'm just sick of it.

Ughh....

So it's back to forcing myself to my textbooks and papers. I don't know how many more years of school I'd need to do, I'm really not looking forward to this.

It's slightly ironic because we were looking at this exact phenomenon in the class I'm studying for. I'm not the only one stuck in this loop of trying to get more education in hopes of grabbing ANY job once we're done.

I mean I have a friend who graduated with an honors degree and is struggling to grab a job as a sales associate.

And I only have a specialization degree.

So back to studying I guess. I haven't been feeling mentally well lately and I guess it shows.

Single Asian Male.

Ok, it's been long enough. I've held out for as long as I could but I think it's time I openly talk about this in the only place I can. There's a reason why I've been pushing myself to be so busy, taking on probably more projects than I can handle, working myself to the point where I'm passing out nearly every night. They were meant as distractions.

Theresa unofficially broke up with me a month ago, and as of this week, now it's permanent.

Somehow, that doesn't make it any less painful.

A younger version of me may have spiraled into depression, self-pity, blah blah but I decided to try and become productive instead. Anything to take my mind away from things. I spent as much time with friends or work as possible, whenever I had a spare moment. I wanted to be too tired to be alone with my thoughts.

I'll be honest with you, it doesn't really help, but at least I can say I worked hard. Apparently love causes chemical reactions in the brain that are similar to that of cocaine. So I've been going through drug withdrawal for a month now. It's not pleasant.

I haven't been this lonely in ages, I miss having a significant other. Someone to talk to at the end of the day, all that mushy stuff. I need my fix, and I'm not getting it.

Starcraft is not an appropriate substitute.

As for why, it's because she wanted to concentrate on school. Being a med student eats up a lot of your time and she felt it wasn't fair to me because she wasn't spending enough time with me. So she decided to break up to make it easier on both of us.

I was never a priority. School and work always came first. Which is understandable. But she eventually stopped making time for me because things got busy. And she did make an honest effort to see and spend time with me but would feel guilty when she couldn't balance everything.

She felt it wasn't fair to her or me. But she wasn't willing to change her study habits to devote more time to our relationship. Again, understandable but that doesn't make me feel better.

Ow.

Some of you may say, "It's just a girlfriend. There are other people out there. You only dated for what? 4.5 years? That's nothing." Keep in mind I'm only 22. I've spent a quarter of my life with this woman and it's done now. I'm not wallowing around in misery or looking for sympathy, but I won't deny that I'm in pain. I'm only human and while I can try to ignore my emotions, that doesn't make them go away.

I'm going to salvage what I can from this. I've learned to be a (hopefully) better boyfriend. We're still on friendly terms which is nice I guess? I'm trying to channel as much of this negative energy into productive work. I came out of this as best I could. As well as anyone could I think.

At least when I started this blog I had a companion, and now she's gone. Where do I go from here? I really don't know. I've been out of the dating game for so long. My social sphere has shrunk, I don't have time to meet new people.

As for how I'm feeling? Not that great. I'll recover, I just need more time. I really hate depressing posts like this but sometimes, a lonely guy needs to vent.

Happy (almost) New Years!

With the end of 2012 rapidly approaching I was planning on doing a look at the previous year, or go-over or renew resolutions, something simple and easy to do.

I opened up a new post and I couldn't write. It's not writer's block or anything, I'm not feeling well. I think the last few posts I did kind of reflected this too. I'm going through a few personal problems and I'm not sure how they're going to play out. And I'd rather not discuss them until the problems have run their course and I can determine the most appropriate course of action.

I try my very best not to let my emotions get to me. I try to be as logical and objective as possible but that only does so much. I've done my best to get out of the house as much as possible, distract myself so I feel less miserable. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.

Virtually no one else knows about this, and I plan on keeping it that way. I hope things go in my favor but I'm not holding my breath.

Happy new years to everyone. I apologize for being so depressing but this blog is really the only place I feel comfortable enough to vent through.

Internship Update

Welp, it's time about time I gave an update on my current status on the internship. After weeks and weeks of hassle, trying and hoping, the internship coordinator finally took at a look at my application to see if I'd be able to join the program.

I've been through a lot, such as nearly being kicked out of my degree and the constant stressing out. And so:

What's the final verdict?

Come on...

Rejection.

Rejection because I was over the course limit by about 3 courses.

I tried to discuss this with the coordinator and from what I can understand the reasoning behind this is that if a student didn't like their internship by having enough courses they could still potentially adjust things in the future and change their degree.

I'll be honest, I don't care if I get the worst internship ever, I just want the experience and the money. I'm pretty sure most people are like that at this stage in life. But this didn't matter to her, decision is final, and that's that.

So where does that leave me?

Sigh...

Well right now I'm trying to find other internships and job opportunities within my city. See, the nice about the Internship Program that I was vying for was that there would be the contact information for several dozen employers just sitting there, waiting for me to contact, no searching for me to do. Everything is nicely labelled and organized.

Right now, I've found barely a handful of potential jobs. Not surprising that Psychology Internships are hard to find, that's why that program was created, to help students like me. I've sent a few emails and applications, not holding my breath but what else can I do? I've already been turned down again for a few of them.

At least they were quick about it.

I don't give up easily but I'm starting to reach my breaking point here. I have 1 term left until I graduate, no viable career opportunities, I had no intentions of entering Graduate school until I had something to bolster my chances but right now maybe I should consider writing the GRE and then hoping for a miracle.

But we know how many miracles I've been getting.

Yeah, if you can't tell, I'm still kind of disheartened. I was better but after I started looking for other jobs and internships I realized how sparse they were. And then I started feeling miserable again.

And then I became even more so when I realized almost everyone around me seems to be advancing their careers just fine.

Hey guys, can I join?

In one of my earlier posts, I voiced my concerns about my peers being successful while I lagged behind. And it has just becomes more apparent with each passing day. The Med students are adjusting just fine to their hectic schedules, people are getting interviews to whatever positions they applied for whether it be medicine or grad school or job interviews. Even my younger sister recently got a job working at a Veterinary clinic which is perfect for her because she's going to Vet school in 2 years.

And then you have me. The guy who got rejected from 10 different places (5 if you only count the interviews), couldn't get into a program designed for students like him and no foreseeable future options. Back in August I was hoping for some answers or reassurance by this point but now I'm even more unsure of the future than when I started this blog.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I'm not sure how to proceed, and I feel like crawling into a corner and being depressing for the next 24 hours. And I'm sorry for being so depressing. I'll try and have something more positive for Friday.

Lisa

Not all my attempts at a relationship have been successful like the one with Theresa. Once upon a time I was searching for that special someone. Most people aren't attracted to nerdy and kind of weird Asian guys so I didn't have any success in Junior High. Plus, I was kind of shy and socially awkward back then so even if I did get a girlfriend I probably wouldn't have known what to do.

Younger Damian in his natural habit.

That changed in High School. I managed to get in touch with an old friend from Junior High by the name of Lisa. She didn't go to the same nerd High School that I did but we ended up sharing complaints about life, school, family, etc.. And it was nice to have someone to turn to at the end of the day. Guys are supposed to suppress all their feelings and worries and have a stoic face. So when they do find someone they can confide it, it's pretty nice. And in my case, I started to develop feelings.

Lisa was half-Caucasian and half-Asian. She was significantly shorter than me, but she was still cute. I think she had short, brown hair. Maybe cropped at the time? I didn't see her as often as I would have liked due to being from different schools but we talked a lot over MSN. She wasn't above crude and stupid humor but at the same time she was able to have an intelligent and engaging conversation if you wanted. I also remember her being extremely artsy, with a love for literature and music.

I also realized that I would have to begin changing myself if I wanted to have a chance with her.

And probably my fashion sense too.

I pushed myself out of the socially awkward shell and learned to better interact and talk with people. I tried to be more outgoing and confident. I think I even tried going to the gym more often while my schedule allowed for it. I was making large improvements but it still wasn't enough for me to ask her out. I mean, I suggested and hinted a lot of things and I was making it pretty obvious that I was interested in her. In a way I sort of friendzoned myself I guess, kind of pathetic but I think it's kind of funny now.

And it would continue for about two years.

Not that I minded. I was content with where I was. I had the illusion or hope that something could someday happen and that was good enough for me. The Damian of today would have pushed for something more concrete but that's neither here or there. The following conversation would occur however and change everything.

I still remember it rather vividly. I was sitting in the basement on one of the older computers running around in Ragnarok Online, chatting with people. It was Easter Sunday and we were going to our Aunt's for Easter dinner soon. Lisa sends me to following message:

Lisa: Speaking of interesting things
L: Damian, I have something to tell you.

My heart pace quadrupled at that point. Had all my waiting paid off? No longer to be single? Despite the lack of physical contact could a relationship work? Maybe she finally picked up on one of my hints and felt the same way? I waited eagerly for her next message.

L: I'm currently seeing someone.

Sh*t.

L: It's a girl.

Double sh*t.

Two years of sitting, waiting and hoping sure did me a lot of good. She had been dating someone for the last six months and didn't bother to tell me. Didn't want to "break my heart" or "dash my hopes"? Something along those lines. I would have preferred it if she had rejected me sooner and saved me all that heartache. But I wasn't upset with her, more upset with myself for hanging on for so long. I remember going to that Easter dinner utterly depressed, everyone thought I was ill or something. I didn't tell them what actually happened.

I stayed miserable for about 6 weeks, wallowing in self pity and all that other nonsense. No one to really turn to now and confide in, it was just too awkward right? I also stopped looking for potential girlfriends.

But that didn't stop Meredith from coming after me. I'll share her story in another post.