Saturday 23 June 2012

Self-Censorship (Part 1)

I talked about my recent writer's block a few posts ago. Not having the motivation to talk about anything. And while that was true there is another reason why I've been having some difficulty writing posts.

I've been censoring myself, limiting which parts of my life to say. Normally that's not an issue, I don't care about being judged by people, that's not the reason why I refrain from sharing certain details.

It's because Theresa reads my blog, and there are certain things I'd rather not have her know about.

Mmmmph!

No, I'm not having an affair or secretly a serial murderer. The kind of stories I've been holding back on are bad things that happen to me that will cause her to worry. See, Theresa and I are different in the ways we deal with problems.

When "things" hit the fan, Theresa starts to panic, becomes inconsolable, and if it's really bad, she starts crying. It doesn't matter if there's nothing she can do about it, or if everything is fixed and better, just thinking about that problem sends her into an anxiety attack. Even thinking about hypothetical problems can just as easily send her into one of these frenzies. And these worry sessions can go on for days.

And then you have me. Despite all my physical fragility, I am mentally very sound. Calm, collected and able to see clearly despite the world crumbling around me. It's one of the few talents I'm proud of. Some people might call me cold, I call it being efficient. No point worrying over something I have no control over. And in the rare situation where something does shake me up, I only need 24 hours at most to fully recover.

He who panics is dead.

An example of this is an event that happened the other day. We were going on a date and I went to her place to pick her up. Excited to finally be able to travel faster and further now that I could drive we went on our way.

And I backed into the car of her neighbor.

Not my finest moment.

Not as bad as this though.

Fortunately, no one was hurt, everyone was civil, and damages were mild. Within an hour I was over the incident and it was like it never happened. I felt fine to drive again, I realized it was a silly mistake and that accidents happen. Everything was ok now and my parents hadn't even banned me from driving.

Theresa on the other hand is still unable to get in a car with me 1 week later.

She has a mini-anxiety attack everytime I mention a car, and blames her "over-imaginative" thoughts.


So I've refrained from sharing stories that would cause her to worry about me. Because once she starts worrying, she can't and won't stop. As in, it will ruin everything for her because she feels terrible when she enters her state of worrying.

Stories like when I was almost found guilty of plagiarism on a paper 2 months ago. If I told Theresa this at the beginning, she would have worried non-stop until the issue was resolved.

But, I'll share that story on Tuesday.

41 comments:

  1. We all become guilty of self censorship after awhile... mine became apparent after I noticed people started reading what I wrote!

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  2. Good to have a calm mind about things, no sense in worrying what we can't control like you said. Hell even if we can control it oh well, not like any of this will matter in 100 years.

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  3. Awww :) Sweet of you to look out for Theresa in this way. I hope the car thing gets resolved soon and that you both can have some fun driving around town!

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  4. I think you should tell her as soon as. She might be a bit inconsolable but it will be better than if she finds out later.

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  5. You do realise that she will read this as well, and thus start getting worried, right? Not your finest move. ;D

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  6. Yikes! I hope she gets over the car thing soon - accidents happen.

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  7. oh! how sweet. she's one lucky girl :) you think so much of her.

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  8. Well that makes sense. Do what I do on occasion. Write stories that are "loosely based on real life". You'll have to start writing stories though, that's not always too easy.

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  9. wish i could stop sharing with myself so i wasnt worried :)

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  10. Yeah, I sometimes forget my inlaws read my blog...I need to put a post it on my computer so that I censor myself properly :) Can't wait for your next story~

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  11. Wow, that is high anxiety, sometimes things get to me and I keep going over and over them but within a day I tell myself to shut the hell up and move on.

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  12. That sure is a talent to be proud of, DWei. I understand you're trying to keep your girlfriend from worrying, but the world's a big place and there are so many things to worry about, my advice would be to share a bit more so she won't be surprised to read about them. But that's just me. My girlfriend reads my blog, too, but it's all old news to her. You have a nice day now. :)

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  13. sorry to hear about the car accident. Even those tiny bumps are a headache with insurance

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  14. That stinks!!!! Little fender benders happen to EVERYONE, and backing accidents are the most common (after rear-endings). I hope she can realize that you're a perfectly safe, normal driver!

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  15. My husband has backed up into a friend's mail box and another time into a huge rock that was placed against a fence for the protection of the fence.

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  16. I panic,and worry until I make myself ill too. That has a huge impact on me trying to blog, but failing miserably. There are certain things I would love just to be able to write about, but I am always held back, which is a total nuisance.
    I'm really not any good at blogging, or exactly where I am going, but I trudge on hoping to find some confidence without it being knocked back.
    I really enjoy your posts and hope that you are feeling better. {I know I am hopeless at finding new followers, but I live in hope!}

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  17. It must be difficult to keep things from her, but it's good that you are strong and get over things fast. Worry doesn't change or help anything (but I still worry at times hehehe).

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  18. It's nice having people that worry about you though

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  19. well, you really do have to be calm and strong if you want to be a psychologist.

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  20. So you're not going to tell her about that back alley fist fight with the 3 knife-wielding gang members last week?

    (If she's reading this... just kidding. Maybe?)

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  21. It's amazing how strong you are with your lack of worrying. I am not like that, but I'm definitely not as extreme as Theresa. Thanks for sharing this little piece of you.

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  22. This is what everyone who IS having a secret affair/a serial killer says...Just kidding =P.

    Glad to hear no one was hurt in the accident. I've backed into a tree once as well. I swear it came out of nowhere!

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  23. I'm glad your little incident was no big deal- at least to you. Hope Theresa gets over it soon.

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  24. So no conflicts with the insurance companies? You are one lucky man.

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  25. You must really like Theresa

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  26. I can relate. A lot of people I know IRL read my blog, and often I don't write about things simply because I know they read them.

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  27. It's good your realizing that these things require a lot of thinking, look forward to the next story :D

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  28. Being able to stay calm, cool, and collected in pressure situations is a trait that will help you get very far in life.

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  29. Theresa sounds a lot like my other half....and I can understand the self censorship. Sometimes blogging anonymously seems the best way forward.

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  30. It's a girls job to worry!!! I read so many blogs and do you know all the anixety I get? I wish I could scoop everyone and protect them all. hahaha Seriously though, sounds like you have a great girl there!!

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  31. Maybe, you should tell her so that no more worries in her part. :)

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  32. I'm kinda surprised you're okay with letting her know that you're keeping secrets, lol. But I guess if it's for the best... Also looking forward to that story on Tuesday.

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  33. its must be difficult but harmless no losses if u get you will get benefits only.

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  34. Perfect example of how opposites attract!
    I did exactly the same thing when I first got my car, reversed it into someones car! but like your sitution, minimal damage also :)

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  35. at least you found something to write about. I hope she doesn't get anxiaty from reading this post though!

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  36. Everyone reacts differently when faced with a challenge. You have a good way. Hope Teresa finds her middle ground.

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  37. She sounds very much like me, actually. But I realize that what I don't know doesn't hurt me.

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  38. ha bumping into the neighbours car must have been awkward.

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  39. It sucks to have to censor yourself because you are worried how someone else will react to it. Writing it tough that way.

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