End of Term

It's over. Another term done and gone. All my exams were pretty much meh. I feel indifferent to all of them. Not to say that I think I did poorly, I thought they were alright. But considering how much effort I put into studying these last few days was abysmal. Either I'm getting more efficient at studying or these courses were abnormal easy.

Or I'm just being really, really cocky right now.

But I don't care because I'm done.

So now that my summer has begun, what does this mean I'll be doing? Usually I'd be spending the first few days goofing off, relaxing and taking it easy. Video games, sleeping in, lazing about on the internet until my brain has gone numb.

Not anymore. I just can't do it anymore, at least, not for the same extended periods of time that I used to.

I want to blame it on feeling guilty on not finding a job, or school options not looking so great and thus I'm demoralized. But I have a fairly good idea of why. But before I begin, I want to say that I am in no way blaming or using this to demonize her. See, one of the last few conversations that I had with my ex before we broke up 4 months ago resulted in her saying the following line:

"Oh Damian, you're not stupid, you're just unambitious,".

Unambitious.

Un.

Am.

Bitious.

I don't think I've ever been so insulted in my life. I don't even remember the context of that conversation, but that line has stuck with me.

When someone in your life leaves you, you tend to feel hollow. Like a part of you is missing. Some people fill that hole with other people, alcohol, or even just leave the hole there and stay miserable. But I did something different. At first I left mine empty, wallowed in my misery. But in the process of moving on, I began to fill that emptiness with something else.

That something else turn out to be anger and bitterness.

In the last few months I have become noticeably more abrasive and cold. My temper has shortened and strangely I've become more eloquent in my speech. An odd but possibly the only positive side effect. I don't understand it myself. But in the process I also became more self-motivated, a metaphorical fire has been sparked inside me, and all I have to do is remember one word.

Unambitious.

And now the urge to goof off is gone.

Do I hate my ex for saying that to me? No! Do I resent her for it? Not at all! In fact, I should be thanking her, because with this my productivity has increased, and will continue to increase until something fruitful has surfaced.

And by fruitful I'm referring to my various projects. I now have time to work on everything. Some projects actually managed to advance themselves without my work during finals month which was a welcome surprise. In fact, thanks to the hardware upgrade that CABAL (my computer formerly named EVA) received AND all the free time I'm about to get, I am now able to revive Project Pandering.

Wish me luck on this one. I'll give further details in a future post. But it's going to rely on me digging up old skills that I haven't used in years. Luckily, there are tutorials to help speed up the process.

In non-project related news. I still need to go for the various medical tests to figure out what's wrong with me. I have a ton of friends I need to meet up with (preferably with alcohol) and I need to keep hunting for jobs. I have a few leads and I need to type up a few things.

I do not intend to let these next 4 months go to waste. I'm far too disgruntled to let that happen. Am I holding a grudge? Am I being petty? Am I being motivated for the wrong reasons? Maybe. Do I care? Not particularly.

Let's do this.