I'm Just Slightly Upset

I know I've been mentioning my ex a lot these last few blog posts. Or at least it feels that way to me. It's difficult because half my brain absolutely despises her, and is so angry for everything that she's done to me, for all the emotional turmoil she's thrown me into. The other half keeps trying to stick up for her, rationalize some of her actions and words.

Well, I don't need to worry about this anymore. Because now, I absolutely loathe her.

Yes, yes I am.

She wanted to see me the other day for some reason. Quick breakfast or something. No biggie, I agreed. I knew something was up though, because you don't randomly call up your ex, especially during your own finals week.

Guess who has a new boyfriend.

Wow.

Just. Wow.

I guess I should be flattered that she decided to tell me in person. As opposed to me finding out from someone else. But here's the part that really irks me. Remember all things she said to me prior to our break-up? "I think I'm happier single", "I was too busy to commit to a relationship", "I'm not interested in a relationship right now", and who could forget "You'll probably be the best boyfriend I'll ever have".

Yes, which makes total sense. This is why you got a new boyfriend. Either you're lying to my face or you're a masochist who wants a worse boyfriend. I wonder which one it could be.

I assure you that I am cursing like a sailor as I type these words. Unfortunately, I cannot convey these words on my blog if I want to keep my SFW rating.

And scowling too. Lots of scowling.

Apparently they've been dating for a few weeks now, and after getting the green light from her various friends, decided to go with it. They started spending time together because they had so much spare time. 

Time that she rarely had for me.

I feel a bit betrayed. Maybe it's the hormones and the emotions but I can't tell if I'm being petty right now. Why does it matter to me who she's sleeping with? We're not a couple anymore, her personal life is none of my business.

Am I wrong for feeling anger for being lied to? Was I lied to? Her past attempts to comfort me can certainly be described as pathetic, and its only worsened the entire recovery process for me. I'm just glad they started dating recently, because now, I can just channel this energy into more anger. If this happened a few months ago I would have become morose.

Wow, I have a lot of angry reaction pictures.

I'm happy for her, that she managed to move on so quickly and find a fellow med student with similar interests with whom she can start a relationship with. But I certainly am NOT happy WITH her. Am I jealous that despite all this time I still can't find a significant other? Yes, yes I am.

Remember, when we broke up, we didn't make a huge debacle over it. Many people still believe we're dating. And I know that she'll be judged by her peers for her actions. How cliched is that? Dumping your old boyfriend after getting into medicine, and then almost immediately dating a fellow med student?

I'm going to sit back, and enjoy all and any fallout that comes from this. And I refuse to defend her actions any longer, I've put up with enough. Way more than enough. If anyone else wants my side of the story, they're going to get it in all its entirety. No more self-censorship.

For anyone curious, no, I do not contact her. I absolutely refuse to talk or communicate with her in any medium. If she ever wants to talk to me, she has to initiate something. And at the moment, I'm thinking of completely removing her from my life and just flat out ignoring her from now on.

I hope she's happy with her decisions, because I certainly am not. The best of luck to her with everything.

Meredith

It's about 10 months after I find out Lisa is actually a lesbian. I had moved on long ago but it still wasn't pleasant to think about. I mean, those 2 years of waiting could have been put to better use on someone who may have returned those feelings.

Like Brandon and Byran noted, the part where I may have gone wrong was getting in touch with an old friend from way back. Who knows what they're like now, they may not be the same person as they are today. You think I would have learned but Meredith, an old friend from Junior High got in touch with me.

And again and again.

Meredith was Caucasian, even shorter than Lisa with light brown hair that extended beyond her shoulders. Pale skin with freckles and green eyes. She loved to laugh, had a fiery personality and was passionate in whatever interested her at the moment and only that moment.

At first it was idle chit-chat and "How are you/your day" sort of conversations but eventually we ended up talking about her. She wasn't going through the greatest time of her life and I was there to to listen. Whether it be family, personal, trivial problems, it didn't matter, I was there.

And eventually she confessed that she had a crush on me since Junior High, and probably still did.

Naturally I was taken a bit by surprise.

Come on, who wouldn't fall for Younger Damian?

And obviously I began to consider things. Someone else initially interested in me? This could be interesting. Maybe this could work. And eventually I asked her out and we started dating. Life was good, I was going to get out of High School soon, I had a girlfriend who was interested in me, things were looking up.

She dumped me 3 days later.

No I'm serious, I log onto MSN and she was acting strangely before finally telling me it was over. Her friends didn't approve of me (because I wasn't part of their inner circle) and she didn't think her Grandma would approve of me either simply because I was Asian. So to make things easier she just broke up with me right there.

No, no she wasn't.

I took this rejection a lot better. Simply because I was more pissed off than upset. I remember thinking to myself "Screw it! I'll be single and I'll enjoy it." And I did, but only for 4 months until Theresa became an important part of my life and well, you know the rest.

Lisa

Not all my attempts at a relationship have been successful like the one with Theresa. Once upon a time I was searching for that special someone. Most people aren't attracted to nerdy and kind of weird Asian guys so I didn't have any success in Junior High. Plus, I was kind of shy and socially awkward back then so even if I did get a girlfriend I probably wouldn't have known what to do.

Younger Damian in his natural habit.

That changed in High School. I managed to get in touch with an old friend from Junior High by the name of Lisa. She didn't go to the same nerd High School that I did but we ended up sharing complaints about life, school, family, etc.. And it was nice to have someone to turn to at the end of the day. Guys are supposed to suppress all their feelings and worries and have a stoic face. So when they do find someone they can confide it, it's pretty nice. And in my case, I started to develop feelings.

Lisa was half-Caucasian and half-Asian. She was significantly shorter than me, but she was still cute. I think she had short, brown hair. Maybe cropped at the time? I didn't see her as often as I would have liked due to being from different schools but we talked a lot over MSN. She wasn't above crude and stupid humor but at the same time she was able to have an intelligent and engaging conversation if you wanted. I also remember her being extremely artsy, with a love for literature and music.

I also realized that I would have to begin changing myself if I wanted to have a chance with her.

And probably my fashion sense too.

I pushed myself out of the socially awkward shell and learned to better interact and talk with people. I tried to be more outgoing and confident. I think I even tried going to the gym more often while my schedule allowed for it. I was making large improvements but it still wasn't enough for me to ask her out. I mean, I suggested and hinted a lot of things and I was making it pretty obvious that I was interested in her. In a way I sort of friendzoned myself I guess, kind of pathetic but I think it's kind of funny now.

And it would continue for about two years.

Not that I minded. I was content with where I was. I had the illusion or hope that something could someday happen and that was good enough for me. The Damian of today would have pushed for something more concrete but that's neither here or there. The following conversation would occur however and change everything.

I still remember it rather vividly. I was sitting in the basement on one of the older computers running around in Ragnarok Online, chatting with people. It was Easter Sunday and we were going to our Aunt's for Easter dinner soon. Lisa sends me to following message:

Lisa: Speaking of interesting things
L: Damian, I have something to tell you.

My heart pace quadrupled at that point. Had all my waiting paid off? No longer to be single? Despite the lack of physical contact could a relationship work? Maybe she finally picked up on one of my hints and felt the same way? I waited eagerly for her next message.

L: I'm currently seeing someone.

Sh*t.

L: It's a girl.

Double sh*t.

Two years of sitting, waiting and hoping sure did me a lot of good. She had been dating someone for the last six months and didn't bother to tell me. Didn't want to "break my heart" or "dash my hopes"? Something along those lines. I would have preferred it if she had rejected me sooner and saved me all that heartache. But I wasn't upset with her, more upset with myself for hanging on for so long. I remember going to that Easter dinner utterly depressed, everyone thought I was ill or something. I didn't tell them what actually happened.

I stayed miserable for about 6 weeks, wallowing in self pity and all that other nonsense. No one to really turn to now and confide in, it was just too awkward right? I also stopped looking for potential girlfriends.

But that didn't stop Meredith from coming after me. I'll share her story in another post.

Theresa

Thanks again for the encouragement and kind thoughts. The last post was pretty depressing again so let's talk about someone who always makes me smile, my girlfriend Theresa.

We met in High School but never really interacted with one another until our final year. This wasn't much of a surprise as our interests were rather different and so were our personalities. Obnoxious, loud and derpy Damian contrasts with quiet, polite and demure Theresa.

Wow, I'm gorgeous.

I wasn't really looking for a relationship at the time. I was pretty fed up with girls after being rejected by a lesbian and then several months later being dumped by another girl in just three days. That would change at a party. A fellow classmate had rented out a cabin by a lake and invited everyone to go. And while everyone was getting drunk, the following conversation happened between Theresa and I.

Damian: *Obnoxious comment about fellow student*
Theresa: *Eye roll and sigh of disapproval*
D: What was that for?
T: Nothing.
D: You dislike him just as much as I do, what was that for?
T: Seriously, nothing.

Oh Damian, you charmer you.

I was persistent in figuring out why she had acted so coldly to me. Could have been the alcohol in my blood, maybe I was bored but whatever the reason I ended up following her around which is really creepy in retrospect. She didn't care and eventually we started talking about life, ourselves, anything possible and found out we had a lot more in common than we first thought. I still remember standing beside her while we watched the sunrise over the lake.

Meanwhile, the rest of our classmates were puking in garbage bags or passed out so I think I did pretty well.

Awesome.

We ended up talking a lot more and decided to see what would happen if we unofficially hooked up. We were both aware that High School relationships didn't usually go well (if our friends were any indicator), had pretty bad relationships in the past and had no idea what we were getting into.

Thirteen days later I take her out for lunch and ask if she'd actually be my girlfriend.

She said yes.

And we've been happily together for 3 years and 2 months now (or if you want the creepy answer: 1172 days, 21 hours, 56 minutes and 11 seconds as of this post). 

Yeah, clearly in the creepy category

I used to be told that no one would ever want to date me (and rightfully so) but here I am, defying the odds with a beautiful, smart and funny woman who loves me back. She means the world to me and nothing warms the leftovers of my heart more than her smile.

If there is any interest I could also share the story about my two other failed attempts at a relationship. I don't mind, I actually find them kind of funny now. But that's only if my readers are interested, I don't want to bore any of you.