200 Posts

Wow. That's all I really have to say is wow. 200 posts. I honestly can't believe I've been blogging for this long, it feels a lot shorter than that. I should feel happy or proud of this accomplishment but I'm really not. I wish I could be happier, but all I have to do is look back on my first post.

Things have stagnated for me at best, or gone downhill at worst since then. Yes this is going to be another ranting post and it's a lot longer than usual. You've been warned.

Let me explain for anyone who hasn't followed me since day one. When I started this blog I wasn't exactly thrilled with where I was going. I had a year or so left until my degree finished, the job market wasn't looking great, and prospects of future schooling honestly not looking so appealing either. Now, almost two years later, I still feel the same way, except now I have my degree.

People claim the recession is over and I don't believe that at all. When jobs for people like me start popping up maybe I'll be less skeptical. I see lawyers working at Walmart, Honor students struggling to get sales positions, or even worse no jobs at all. Unless you're in the medical field good luck getting anything and even then, there are rumors around about budget cuts and the like.

I've applied to over a dozen jobs and internships since I've entered University. Half of those got interviews, all of them rejections. So I guess I'll keep making sandwiches until I get a job somewhere else.

So fine, job market not so good, why not go back to school and ride it out? Academia isn't looking so great either, at least where I am. There are confirmed budget cuts here and it doesn't look good for anyone. Well except for the President of the University and her little group of cronies. I bet she'll give herself another raise...

And this is sort of the reason why I lost interest in getting a job in academia or research. I'm watching professors get cut on a whim, last year a prof with tenure got kicked (or something similar) over a grade dispute with a student, research funds are dropping, and is more school and work worth all this stress at the end? To add insult to injury, there was one professor who was completely useless (aka ditched her research students so she could go on an early vacation) and did nothing. She won a teaching award recently because of she supported cuts to various departments. Why would she support this? She retired last year.

If I could do this to her without being expelled I'd go for it.

Ok, things not looking so great at University, but at least I can bum around home for a while until things look better. Nope. Nope nope nope. My father has for years been trying to get me out of the house. Even before I turned 18 the notion of me "moving out" has never been far from his mind. And ever since I turned 20, I noticed his campaign has been slowly getting more aggressive. I turn 23 this year and I can only imagine how bad it'll get if I'm still around when I'm older.

And it's over stupid things like me deciding to take a nap during the middle of the day or having a messy room during exam time. Any justification I try to use results in "Well if you don't like it, move out". He's dead serious and I'm certain that my Mother is the only person keeping him from physically throwing me out. My father knows very well that I don't have the means to support myself yet but that hasn't stopped him from constantly bringing up the subject. Note that since my brother turned 18 he's been turning his attention to Brian as well. My sister has been spared for whatever reason, so lucky her.

But at least I have support elsewhere right? Mental or moral support? Unfortunately, I've lost contact with a lot of close friends due to everyone being busy but at least I have a girlfriend I could talk to. Well I did, until my now ex-girlfriend decided to dump me earlier this year. We decided to stay friends, except everything she says and does makes it look like she's still interested in having a relationship. I said I moved on and I did, until she started playing with the fragments of my heart.

I don't care if she's unintentionally doing it, it's still tearing me apart and driving me insane. She's not normally a flirty person, she doesn't flirt with anyone else EXCEPT for me. When we meet up in person for coffee or something, she performs tons of physical gestures that suggest she has the intention of intimacy. And I think my female readers can back me up on this. When seated, would you touch/grab the inner thigh of a person you weren't interested in? How about their forearm? What about grabbing and holding their arm while walking? What about making questionable innuendos? A combination of these and much, much more? Either I'm a terrible psychologist and I read too much into small details OR something is not quite right here.

Of course when confronted she tells me she's still not interested and apologizes. And then she wonders why I keep asking "Do you want to get back together?". You, are becoming a doctor Theresa. You, are NOT some idiotic high school girl with the mentality of a handicapped dog. She apparently misses me and "us" BUT not enough to get back together.

I was willing to work things out. She wasn't. And it still bothers me a lot. I made a ton of sacrifices and compromises to make things work. I wasn't perfect, but I was more than happy to change things or myself to maintain the relationship. I know I discussed why we broke up in an earlier post (she wanted more time for school) but subsequent conversations with her resulted in contradictory and/or questionable reasons. The only thing that has remained consistent is she wanted to be single.

Great.

Now let's be realistic for a moment. Ideally, the best thing to do would be go out and get another girlfriend. I've been single for months, time to put myself back on the market. Except, I don't really have all that much to offer. Don't give me that "Oh you're a nice guy!" nonsense (also, I'm not). I'm a student, who is in debt, with only a part-time fast food job, with no car, who lives with his parents. These credentials basically mean that online, speed, and blind dating are out of the question.

I have a few friends who claims they'll be on the lookout for any potential girlfriends for me but I'm not holding my breath. There's a small irony here in that when I was in a relationship, nearly all my friends were single. Now that I'm single, nearly all of them have significant others.

I would be more than happy to return to a relationship with Theresa. Not out of desperation or loneliness, but because she was a fairly good girlfriend. And I was happy with her. Yeah she has her problems but so do I. I'm not perfect, and I'm not going to judge her for her faults. Except for being unwilling to change yourself for me. I think I'm allowed to judge her for that considering how much I changed myself for her.

Ok, not that dramatic, but still.

So where does that leave me? Bitter, disgruntled, and very, very unhappy. I've been pretty much miserable for the entirety of 2013 so far. If any of the above problems happened one at a time, I'm sure I could handle it, no problem. But when things start stacking up it becomes a tad overwhelming. I'm feeling a lot of pressure here and I'm not liking it. I'm running on borrowed time and it's not getting extended any time soon.

This blog post is mostly to get this all of my chest and vent a little. I think that's my favorite part about having a blog is that I can rant like this to calm myself down. In the end though, it's much better to actually find a solution. Complaining only gets you so far and it's not very productive.

And so now the question is, what your solution Damian? Do you have one? What are you going to do about all of this? And to that I respond:

Why do you think I'm working on so many projects?

There's a reason why I'm constantly brainstorming, working during my spare time, and pushing myself. Each project is a potential solution and/or will buy me more time. Wish me luck, I have a lot of work ahead of me still.