Saturday, 16 March 2013

200 Posts

Wow. That's all I really have to say is wow. 200 posts. I honestly can't believe I've been blogging for this long, it feels a lot shorter than that. I should feel happy or proud of this accomplishment but I'm really not. I wish I could be happier, but all I have to do is look back on my first post.

Things have stagnated for me at best, or gone downhill at worst since then. Yes this is going to be another ranting post and it's a lot longer than usual. You've been warned.

Let me explain for anyone who hasn't followed me since day one. When I started this blog I wasn't exactly thrilled with where I was going. I had a year or so left until my degree finished, the job market wasn't looking great, and prospects of future schooling honestly not looking so appealing either. Now, almost two years later, I still feel the same way, except now I have my degree.

People claim the recession is over and I don't believe that at all. When jobs for people like me start popping up maybe I'll be less skeptical. I see lawyers working at Walmart, Honor students struggling to get sales positions, or even worse no jobs at all. Unless you're in the medical field good luck getting anything and even then, there are rumors around about budget cuts and the like.

I've applied to over a dozen jobs and internships since I've entered University. Half of those got interviews, all of them rejections. So I guess I'll keep making sandwiches until I get a job somewhere else.

So fine, job market not so good, why not go back to school and ride it out? Academia isn't looking so great either, at least where I am. There are confirmed budget cuts here and it doesn't look good for anyone. Well except for the President of the University and her little group of cronies. I bet she'll give herself another raise...

And this is sort of the reason why I lost interest in getting a job in academia or research. I'm watching professors get cut on a whim, last year a prof with tenure got kicked (or something similar) over a grade dispute with a student, research funds are dropping, and is more school and work worth all this stress at the end? To add insult to injury, there was one professor who was completely useless (aka ditched her research students so she could go on an early vacation) and did nothing. She won a teaching award recently because of she supported cuts to various departments. Why would she support this? She retired last year.

If I could do this to her without being expelled I'd go for it.

Ok, things not looking so great at University, but at least I can bum around home for a while until things look better. Nope. Nope nope nope. My father has for years been trying to get me out of the house. Even before I turned 18 the notion of me "moving out" has never been far from his mind. And ever since I turned 20, I noticed his campaign has been slowly getting more aggressive. I turn 23 this year and I can only imagine how bad it'll get if I'm still around when I'm older.

And it's over stupid things like me deciding to take a nap during the middle of the day or having a messy room during exam time. Any justification I try to use results in "Well if you don't like it, move out". He's dead serious and I'm certain that my Mother is the only person keeping him from physically throwing me out. My father knows very well that I don't have the means to support myself yet but that hasn't stopped him from constantly bringing up the subject. Note that since my brother turned 18 he's been turning his attention to Brian as well. My sister has been spared for whatever reason, so lucky her.

But at least I have support elsewhere right? Mental or moral support? Unfortunately, I've lost contact with a lot of close friends due to everyone being busy but at least I have a girlfriend I could talk to. Well I did, until my now ex-girlfriend decided to dump me earlier this year. We decided to stay friends, except everything she says and does makes it look like she's still interested in having a relationship. I said I moved on and I did, until she started playing with the fragments of my heart.

I don't care if she's unintentionally doing it, it's still tearing me apart and driving me insane. She's not normally a flirty person, she doesn't flirt with anyone else EXCEPT for me. When we meet up in person for coffee or something, she performs tons of physical gestures that suggest she has the intention of intimacy. And I think my female readers can back me up on this. When seated, would you touch/grab the inner thigh of a person you weren't interested in? How about their forearm? What about grabbing and holding their arm while walking? What about making questionable innuendos? A combination of these and much, much more? Either I'm a terrible psychologist and I read too much into small details OR something is not quite right here.

Of course when confronted she tells me she's still not interested and apologizes. And then she wonders why I keep asking "Do you want to get back together?". You, are becoming a doctor Theresa. You, are NOT some idiotic high school girl with the mentality of a handicapped dog. She apparently misses me and "us" BUT not enough to get back together.

I was willing to work things out. She wasn't. And it still bothers me a lot. I made a ton of sacrifices and compromises to make things work. I wasn't perfect, but I was more than happy to change things or myself to maintain the relationship. I know I discussed why we broke up in an earlier post (she wanted more time for school) but subsequent conversations with her resulted in contradictory and/or questionable reasons. The only thing that has remained consistent is she wanted to be single.


Now let's be realistic for a moment. Ideally, the best thing to do would be go out and get another girlfriend. I've been single for months, time to put myself back on the market. Except, I don't really have all that much to offer. Don't give me that "Oh you're a nice guy!" nonsense (also, I'm not). I'm a student, who is in debt, with only a part-time fast food job, with no car, who lives with his parents. These credentials basically mean that online, speed, and blind dating are out of the question.

I have a few friends who claims they'll be on the lookout for any potential girlfriends for me but I'm not holding my breath. There's a small irony here in that when I was in a relationship, nearly all my friends were single. Now that I'm single, nearly all of them have significant others.

I would be more than happy to return to a relationship with Theresa. Not out of desperation or loneliness, but because she was a fairly good girlfriend. And I was happy with her. Yeah she has her problems but so do I. I'm not perfect, and I'm not going to judge her for her faults. Except for being unwilling to change yourself for me. I think I'm allowed to judge her for that considering how much I changed myself for her.

Ok, not that dramatic, but still.

So where does that leave me? Bitter, disgruntled, and very, very unhappy. I've been pretty much miserable for the entirety of 2013 so far. If any of the above problems happened one at a time, I'm sure I could handle it, no problem. But when things start stacking up it becomes a tad overwhelming. I'm feeling a lot of pressure here and I'm not liking it. I'm running on borrowed time and it's not getting extended any time soon.

This blog post is mostly to get this all of my chest and vent a little. I think that's my favorite part about having a blog is that I can rant like this to calm myself down. In the end though, it's much better to actually find a solution. Complaining only gets you so far and it's not very productive.

And so now the question is, what your solution Damian? Do you have one? What are you going to do about all of this? And to that I respond:

Why do you think I'm working on so many projects?

There's a reason why I'm constantly brainstorming, working during my spare time, and pushing myself. Each project is a potential solution and/or will buy me more time. Wish me luck, I have a lot of work ahead of me still.


  1. The job market definitely sucks right now, at least it does here. I guess all you can do is keep trying and hope for the best. But congratulations on 200 posts, that's no small accomplishment!

  2. Well I'm glad that you're doing things you can to get everything sorted. Just keep going at it and good luck with it. I don't get why people would want to kick their kids out at all, it just seems a very unloving act for a parent to do. I did hear things were different in America but I didn't know much about Canadia. If you really want to be in a relationship then I think that Theresa would be best for you. You know each others situation and how things would be, but I do think she needs to be willing to make a few sacrifices that aren't you.

  3. Congrats on 200, and quite the rant. But yeah the job market blows, any more university just to get in more debt we'd prob never get out of is a crock, and as for the gf issue, better to cut ties all together is she's going to keep screwing with you.

  4. Yeah, what to say. You've had your fair share of shit, it's about time you throw those turds back at the monkey that threw them. Hopefully your projects will be going somewhere. Just be careful not to get them too stacked up though, juggling a large amount of projects at once isn't fun.

  5. No car? yeah it's going to be hard to find any girl with that. It's rather unfair since girls with no cars do okay, but when a guy doesn't have a car then it's the end of the world. Best of luck anyways.

  6. Good luck with all that work, I hope everything works out for you. I've noticed that when bad things happen, they do tend to happen all at the same time, which sucks.

  7. I think it's honestly a great idea to take stock of things when you reach that kind of milestone. 200 posts is absolutely huge and you should be proud of that Damien, you've lost some things like Theresa and the recession isn't over completely but you've also improved in so many ways and I have no worries at all about how your life is going to turn out.

  8. you've been blogging and making the coin for like 3 years and you're only up to 200 posts. haha how do u do it, posting so minimally... this was a long ass post though. keep up the good work

  9. i hope u're ok, ur ex does sound confusing, i would only hold arms of really close friends and if it was an ex i'd wait longer than a few months to try and get to that level of intimacy when still ebin friends, maybe she misses ur relationship, but understands the sacrifices she wants to make doesnt allow it? Sorry to not be tht much help :<

  10. Gosh. I say tackle only one thing at a time! :-)

    I am sorry your living at home sounding impossible. Does your dad know the pressures you are under? Are you able to talk to him? Why is he so keen to get you out of the house? I'm really sorry to read this - you need your family's support now and even if they can't give you support emotionally at least practically? Does your dad know the effort you are putting to get a job and make a career?

    I'm truly sorry you are finding it impossible to find a calm and peaceful place to just gather your strength and to think clearly. Because at the moment you are just about buckling under such emotional pressure and you really need one stable place in your life to stand a good fighting chance of beating off the negative stuff! Oh dear.

    p.s. your ex can't have it both ways. She either is your platonic friend or she's not. She needs to sort herself out by herself and leave you out.

    pps. I sound like some spinster auntie, sorry! LOL!! Glad you got this blog to vent!


    Take care

  11. Oooh congrats :D
    I had over 20,000 posts when I deleted my tumblr.
    *multiple sighs*
    I really miss tumblr, man

  12. Hang in there. The economy continues to suck here as well, lots of unemployed law school graduates for the first time in our history, for starters. What about finding a place with a roommate? I'm sorry your dad and your ex are behaving so rudely.

  13. Congrats, DWei. Two hundred.... not bad at all. Nope, the crisis isn't over or my name is Roy. Just don't ask the President... any President. They inhabit a different world.

    Try and touch/grab the inner thigh of a person who isn't interested in you. See what happens. Wait... Don't take that advice. You might end up with a black eye. I myself have never gone back to an ex-girlfriend. I think it's a sure way to end up even more hurt. But what do I know, right? Everyone's different. Take care, okay.

  14. I think this is the longest milestone post I've ever read. I get that everything seems downhill for you, but you gotta realize that you have an advantage to most people. The projects, your willingness to succeed, it's drive and it's something that seems to be lacking from a lot of the world. You'll feel better in time when you realize it works for you, but I still get the overwhelming pressure.

  15. Welp:
    1. Congrats on the blog milestone?
    2. I'm sorry things seem so bleak. I was in a kind of crappy place when I graduated too (totally freaked about getting a job). But there are some out there! I swear!
    3. I hope you get the Theresa thing figured out one way or another, because that is sucky.

    2013 is 1/4's hoping the next quarter is better!

  16. Gosh, I'm sorry you're feeling the pressure. I hope you find your path deserve to be happy.

  17. Don't lose heart. It's hard for everyone just starting out. Stay in the game!

  18. P.S. What do you mean you've never received an award? All you need to do is click HERE. ;)

  19. Man, I can definitely see why you're frustrated. The focus shouldn't be so much on replacing Theresa but just getting things resolved or getting her out of your life. Those are definitely some weird signals she's sending out, and yes, I can tell you 100% that a woman would not touch a guy's thigh, or hold his arm, or even just reach out and hold his forearm if she wasn't interested. Women speak through touch, and someone who's not interested in you should be crossing her arms, or turning her body slightly away from you, etc. I don't know what her deal is, but to me, it's still a huge red flag. No one should be that flirty and not want anything to do with you. It makes no sense.

  20. That was a venting sessions indeed, hope you feel better. Projects are very good, a good attitude goes a long way. Even if fake think happy and if you are consistent it will be sincere happy soon enough.

  21. Congrats on 200 posts!!! I have a ways to go before I reach that :)

    I hope you had a great St. Patrick's Day!

  22. I have tried many time to stay friends with ex's and it virtually never goes well. One or the other of you always wants more.

    (I had to go back and look - since I started blogging I have some 2400 posts. Crazy.)

  23. It does sound like you have a lot to contend with. And, yes, it does sound like the ex is sending mixed messages. I wish you the best of luck with everything. I'm an optimist; I know things will come together.

  24. Good luck. You just have to keep reminding yourself that everything will be okay. Even when things seem to be consuming your life, realize that in the future they won't seem like that big of a deal - because really, they aren't that big of a deal even now.

  25. I can see why it's been sucky for you so far, and I might sound stupid, but it's the darkest hour before the dawn.

  26. I think you should cut ties with your ex. Then you'll find out if she really wants you or not. Sounds like she's getting the best of both worlds at the moment.

    I think it's a touch superficial to think that a new girl wouldn't date you because you don't have a car, and your own pad. You are implying that all a girl is interested in is your material wealth, and would you want to date someone who's main interest in you was that anyway?

  27. recession won't be over for many years :(

  28. Congrats on 200! And good luck with Theresa. Don't concentrate on finding someone new just now. Just keep moving ahead, listen well, and make yourself available for any opportunity - school, job, or relationship. Wishing you good luck!

  29. yikes! Yay for 200 posts. Hopefully everything else will smooth out soon.