Theresa unofficially broke up with me a month ago, and as of this week, now it's permanent.
Somehow, that doesn't make it any less painful.
A younger version of me may have spiraled into depression, self-pity, blah blah but I decided to try and become productive instead. Anything to take my mind away from things. I spent as much time with friends or work as possible, whenever I had a spare moment. I wanted to be too tired to be alone with my thoughts.
I'll be honest with you, it doesn't really help, but at least I can say I worked hard. Apparently love causes chemical reactions in the brain that are similar to that of cocaine. So I've been going through drug withdrawal for a month now. It's not pleasant.
I haven't been this lonely in ages, I miss having a significant other. Someone to talk to at the end of the day, all that mushy stuff. I need my fix, and I'm not getting it.
Starcraft is not an appropriate substitute.
As for why, it's because she wanted to concentrate on school. Being a med student eats up a lot of your time and she felt it wasn't fair to me because she wasn't spending enough time with me. So she decided to break up to make it easier on both of us.
I was never a priority. School and work always came first. Which is understandable. But she eventually stopped making time for me because things got busy. And she did make an honest effort to see and spend time with me but would feel guilty when she couldn't balance everything.
She felt it wasn't fair to her or me. But she wasn't willing to change her study habits to devote more time to our relationship. Again, understandable but that doesn't make me feel better.
Ow.
Some of you may say, "It's just a girlfriend. There are other people out there. You only dated for what? 4.5 years? That's nothing." Keep in mind I'm only 22. I've spent a quarter of my life with this woman and it's done now. I'm not wallowing around in misery or looking for sympathy, but I won't deny that I'm in pain. I'm only human and while I can try to ignore my emotions, that doesn't make them go away.
I'm going to salvage what I can from this. I've learned to be a (hopefully) better boyfriend. We're still on friendly terms which is nice I guess? I'm trying to channel as much of this negative energy into productive work. I came out of this as best I could. As well as anyone could I think.
At least when I started this blog I had a companion, and now she's gone. Where do I go from here? I really don't know. I've been out of the dating game for so long. My social sphere has shrunk, I don't have time to meet new people.
As for how I'm feeling? Not that great. I'll recover, I just need more time. I really hate depressing posts like this but sometimes, a lonely guy needs to vent.
Oh it's never a flesh wound. It's pain that cuts deep and long and hard and there never are any easy cures or salves to soothe the hurt. I hope you continue to vent though! Better out than in!
ReplyDeleteI know that you do know these but I'll say them here cos what the heck!
You will find your inner strength and you will survive and move on. And you will heal. And there will be hindsight and reflection and maturity. And love. Always. The pain of true love is worth it.:-)
Take care
x
Well you're right that love does release chemicals quite like cocaine. It's a very dangerous drug when you get right down to it. Anyway that's not what matters. What matters is that you're doing an excellent job of handling this. While it may not help much emotionally it's still a positive way to react, and will help a lot down the line. For now don't worry about finding another relationship or anything, just focus on being awesome and getting stuff done.
ReplyDelete:( sorry to hear about that.
ReplyDeleteThat sucks. And don't feel bad about the depressing post... this is life, and this is your blog, and you should feel free to talk as openly as you're comfortable with.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your relationship ending - 4.5 years is quite a significant time to be with someone, and it's going to take more than a month to get over her (unfortunately). But your strategy of keeping busy will help, and you seem to have the right attitude about going forward. I'll be thinking of you - break-ups are AWFUL, but in my experience, it opens the door for the right person to come along eventually.
I'm sorry to hear that, DWei. In my book love comes first, but I'm a hopeless romantic.
ReplyDeleteDating for 4.5 years is quite a lot actually, especially considering you're 22
ReplyDeleteI think that anybody who says "it's just a girlfriend" doesn't know what they are talking about. Of course it's going to hurt, and in my eyes 4.5 years is a long time.
ReplyDeleteI think you've been going about things the right way, though; the best thing to do in this kind of situation is throw yourself into work, which you've been doing. It's a lot better than just laying on your bed in misery.
It will get better, you just need to give it time.
Vent away as it is your bay. That suck 4.5 years is a long time and you aren`t going to get over it soon. The dating world also blows.
ReplyDeleteBreaks my heart reading this Damien, I'm really sorry to hear that this happens. You guys were together for a long long time and I assumed that you were both going to stay together really. I'm glad to hear that you guys have remained friends and hope that that works out. This isn't the end of the road man, it's just that your road has now taken a different direction. I know that what might have been and memories of the past are going to float around your head for a long time to come but in all honesty you will feel better in time. I don't think that you're going to wake up tomorrow and feel completely fine and not miss her at all or anything because that'd be foolish of me to suggest that but as time goes on you will feel better. Vent all you want to us on this blog too my friend, this is your blog and your place to write about how you're feeling, hope you're okay soon buddy.
ReplyDeleteThat sucks, but maybe things will work out before you know it.
ReplyDeleteEh, that definitely sucks. I personally find it a shit reason to break up. Hell, my best pal and his gf only see each other on Saturdays, and they're still doing fine. (Not meant as a comparison, sounds like she's way too busy to have free Saturdays.)
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, best not to dwell on all that. Keep moving forward, all that stuff. And now's indeed the time to get things done. That one project you've wanted to do? Go for it. I believe in you, to make the best of it all!
Oh, I'm sorry to hear your news. Breakups hurt, I know. You're wise to focus on school and keep yourself busy and occupied, but be kind to yourself too. You'll meet someone new when the time is right!
ReplyDeleteOh mate that sucks. I split up with my partner when we both at uni. It was too hard to keep a relationship going, but hey 2 and half years later we went back out again and we've been together ever since. So, you never know, maybe sometime in the future you'll be back together again. But, I know how much being apart hurts. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteShe was a med student? I have rarely seen even marriages survive med school, it's so bad that our major universities here in Colorado have a spouse support group for med students! Very sorry she broke up with you, not to sound cliche or annoying, but there's plenty of fish in the sea, and time will heal. Just remember, you're a better person for having dated her!
ReplyDeleteYour title caught my attention instantly. when it rolled on my page I know it's a problem.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear about you and Theresa. It's good that you vent out. I want to say comforting words but I know it wouldn't help as of this time. Time can only heal the wound that you have right now.So what I can say is for you to work on acceptance but it is also the most difficult thing to do.
As for the way that you're handling this, you are actually doing great. But I disagree on the "We're still on friendly terms which is nice I guess?" No it's not nice. It is easier to forget a person when you are angry with the person. Sad but true.
Hang on there. When shit happens I instantly accept the saying "there's always a good reason why shit happens".
This is an unsolicited advise I know, I just feel that I need to say these things and I really hope that it will comfort you somehow.
Take care DWei. Btw, I have some friends that are "Single Asian Female " ;)
Dude, that sucks. I'm sorry. And I feel your pain, just maybe not all of it, as that's a much, much longer relationship than I've ever been in. I'm pretty sure blogger was created to vent.
ReplyDeleteOh man, that just sucks. All the "other fish in the sea" types of reassurances don't really make it any better. Keeping yourself busy is probably the best thing for now.
ReplyDeleteFour and half years is a very long time, especially at your age. No wonder you're sad and lonely. Break-ups are miserable and there is a period of time where you feel like you are walking around with a big hole in your heart. And dating is difficult at the best of times. You're smart to stay busy, but go easy on yourself. Being exhausted won't help. Time heals. It's trite but true.
ReplyDeleteAwww I'm sorry. :( That sucks big time.
ReplyDeleteHang in there! Fuck everyone who says, "So what?" Breakups hurt, especially if you are on the receiving end. But I can tell you, it will get better. It just takes time.
ReplyDeleteAs for not having time to meet new people...it happens at the right moment. I'm living proof.
:(
ReplyDelete:(
:(
I feel like I can only adequately express myself through frowny faces. I'm sorry things didn't work out with Theresa. And I don't blame you for keeping yourself busy and throwing yourself into your projects. That's my form of coping as well, whenever I get upset.
Ah I am so sorry. Nothing much anyone can say to make you feel better. Just hangin there time does heal thing and just concentate on getting through the first month. After things get better.
ReplyDeleteClichéd I know,but you'll be fine.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sure you'll find someone even better in time,or you'll get back together.
Till then,Hang in there!:)
4.5 years? That's really... um I don't know what to say, really.
ReplyDeleteStarcraft may not be a good substitute, but opening up old PC's may be.
This is a good idea to delve into project making, you won't think about this loss every minute. Be strong and write depressing posts as much as you need, I think it will help you a little.
ReplyDeleteoh, sorry to hear about you and Theresa splitting up, Damien :( I understand both sides based on your story. Sometimes it really is better being single during college so that you can focus on your main task - studying.
ReplyDeleteNo denying this is a huge loss in your life. Breakups are heartwrenching. Whatever you are feeling right now is understandable - you were together longer than some marriages last these days! Stay busy and slowly your social network will start to widen.
ReplyDelete